So here we are, a married couple, a store and boxes of adult toys begging for a chance to enter our bodies, hoping to populate our store shelves and website offerings.
"Oh the pain," once said Dr. Smith.
"A couple's gotta do what a couple's gotta do," crooned Harry Calahan (well, sort of).
"It's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it," uttered John Wayne in some movie.
But we soldier on, braving the phthalates and other chemical substances sure to render our sexual organs useless someday (and which will probably preserve our bodies Tutankhamen-like in our graves for the next 10,000 years). Each month, we'll scour the warehouses and tradeshows for the best products to adorn our shelves, and we'll help guide you with information we hope will be useful to your bottom lines, mindful of margins and customer demographics. In short, the adult industry's best, now found here at XBIZ.
THE FASCINATOR THROE, LIBERATOR — PROTECTION FROM EJECTION
SALES CONTACT: DON COHEN, DON@LIBERATOR.COM
He says: I owe my sex life to this seemingly innocuous blanket. For years, the elusive G-spot remained just that and female ejaculation seemed to be only the sport of porn stars and sex authors. Books didn't help, nor did all sorts of weird-shaped dildos, vibes and carpal-tunnel-inflicted upturned fingers. And then, as if by divine providence, a strange blanket arrived. Fuzzy soft on one side, satin-y slick on the other, the Fascinator Throe was an ingenious protector of all things wet and juicy, lined inside with a moisture proof fabric to protect the sheets and leather sofa. With the threat of furniture stains removed from her mind, my wife spewed forth her gooey goodness at last! 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
She says: How TMFI can you get? Why not tell everyone about how I like to pee on you in the shower (oops, strike that one from the record)! Yes, the blanket did free me from worrying about making a mess, but I prefer its other uses, like taking it to the beach, parks and even laying it out on the playa at Burning Man last month to keep the dust off. It's the one blanket I can't live without and now we have three of them rotating through our lives at any given time. 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
OHMIBOD — IPOD IN YOUR BOD? HOW ODD
SALES CONTACT: INFO@OHMIBOD.COM
She says: Wow, what a great idea — music-activated vibrations! This unique sex product came to us by way of the annual ANE tradeshow as we were just about to leave. The couple who invented it are ex-Apple employees and thought it would be cool to attach an iPod to a vibrator and enjoy two great tastes that (should) taste great together. Of course, since the included vibrator is activated by sound through an audio feed, you can use any music player, portable or not. It takes some getting used to as well, since you have to pick out music with appropriate bass lines to get the vibe pumping just right. Then, you have to acclimate to having two sets of stimulus working different parts of your brain. After a few uses, though, I found the right songs (their website also recommends good mixes), and I reached orgasm with some of my favorite tunes. I have to say the setup isn't as simple as it could be, and the instructions are a little lean, but overall I recommend that any and all women should try this cool device. 4 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
He says: This one is hard to judge as it's made primarily for the womanly sector. In fact, I got kind of jealous at the thought of a vibrator set to music, basically enabling my wife to totally tune me out while turning herself on. However, undaunted, I bought a splitter to enable us to use two headphones so we could enjoy the experience together (with me applying the vibrator as music played through both sets of ear buds). Of course, I hadn't counted on the fact neither of us could agree on an appropriate song, prompting an hour of arguing over her choice of songs from the soundtrack to "Happy Feet," while I lobbied for Bassnectar's latest techno pounding breakbeat. Alas, Brittany Murphy's insufferable "Boogie Wonderland" won out, and I exited the bedroom to catch the 11:30 p.m. "South Park." Once she got it dialed in, so to speak, she seemed to like the experience, and I give it 3 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS based on that fact alone.
VIBRATING SILICONE COCK RING,TANTUS — BLING THAT THING WITH A RING
SALES CONTACT: SONIA PAUL, ORDERS@TANTUSINC.COM
He says: I'm a cock-ring fanatic, I admit it. Since trying my first one (a metal Titan from Gear Essentials), I've been hooked, line and sinker. Put it on, get hard, and enjoy longer, harder erections (and at my age I need all the help technology can muster). Forget the stretchy models — they'll just break and I'll be darned if I'm installing the equivalent of a jelly rubber band around my precious privates. Go for leather, metal or this odd item from Tantus. Call it a happy medium between stretchy and fixed and you've got yourself a winner. The Vibrating Silicone Cock Ring is a platinum-grade ring that goes on easily, stretches ever so slightly to fit just about any member, and has a surprisingly powerful vibe to give your partner a clit buzz whilst you engage in the nasty. This one will definitely be on our store shelves and I give it 4 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS as I'm hoping they'll add a waterproof vibe at some point to reach perfection.
She says: You and those cock rings! First the metal, then the leather and now this? I do admit, though, that I just love his package all gathered up and embellished by a well-placed loop. I'm not sure I buy the longer, harder argument (and after 19 years I think I'd have noticed), but if it gives him a psychological edge, so be it. I also love the fact that using a cock ring leads to shaving the privates, which helps with oral pleasure immeasurably. The Tantus ring is noteworthy for the large vibe, meaning I get to enjoy its benefits right along with my horny hubby. In my mind, it's not the most attractive ring, but the fun colors and easy mounting makes it a no-brainer. I'll match with 4 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
For more Freddy and Eddy, visit FreddyandEddy.com or check out their couples-friendly retail store at 12613 Venice Blvd. in LA. To contact them, email email@example.com.