Working as an adult performer while simultaneously maintaining healthy relationships with family members can frequently prove challenging and complicated. For one thing, the nature of our work is often seen as a taboo topic, particularly if you come from a family with a more conservative or religious background. In such circumstances, “coming out” as a sex worker can truly be a raw, intense and sometimes painful experience. It’s also not surprising that the negative stories do seem to end up in the press more often, especially since the trope of “broken sex workers” is continually proliferated by Hollywood.
As such, those of us in adult who have had the opposite experiences need to start speaking up. Indeed, there are plenty of us who do enjoy happy and supportive relationships with family, and there is also an emerging generation of performers like myself who are continually trying to find new ways to make it all work. Sure, “marriage and family” might not be what people think of when they think “porn performer,” but our attempts to humanize sex work ultimately fall flat if we disregard the importance of having a family and a full life outside of adult work.
If someone does react negatively to your honesty, then it’s important to remember that you are not personally responsible for their reaction.
We already deal with plenty of social stigma, and while there is no textbook “how to” when it comes to coping and/or finding solutions, all I can do here is give insights based solely on my own experience. As a wife and a young mum of three kids myself, I have already faced the challenge of discussing my work with family members, as well as the challenge of trying to continually provide a healthy and safe environment for the family that I created.
Of course, the experiences and opinions of other adult performers may vary drastically from what I’m sharing here — and that’s OK! What matters is that you find what works for you and your unique situation.
WHEN TWO WORLDS COLLIDE
This may sound very obvious for many people, but sex work is something no one can take back — and no, I don’t mean just mainstream studio porn. Even if you “just cam,” or you sell clips and pics of your feet, or you do OnlyFans on weekends, it’s still highly possible that your activities as a sex worker will eventually become known to your friends and family members, as well as even broader social circles. Once it’s “out there,” it’s out there!
For various reasons, many of us try to keep our work under wraps, or be as discreet as possible. Sometimes, however, trying to keep your adult work a secret causes much more harm than good. Regardless of your situation or your choices, it is vital to check in with yourself and honestly assess what you’re comfortable with and what you want. This also applies even to veteran performers, because it is normal that you may feel differently now than you did back then, or that you may want different things over time.
I cannot stress enough that the risk of being “outed” by others is all too real when you do porn, so take this into consideration if you are still in the process of deciding if adult is for you. Either way, take all the steps you can to protect your privacy and separate your “porn identity” from real life. Now, if you are absolutely 100% sure, of your own free will, that you want to proceed with adult work, and you are completely fine with the risk that it might become public knowledge at some point, then you can begin the process of preparing for a conversation with your loved ones.
THERE’S A TIME AND A PLACE
OK, maybe it’s not ideal to interrupt Sunday dinner or the big family reunion with an announcement about your porn career; nevertheless, it’s important to make it happen. Pick a time when no one will feel rushed and a place where you feel safe (public or private depending on the situation).
Honesty and open communication is key here, no matter what the outcome. However, it can also help to prepare explanations or talking points designed for each individual. For instance, you may not want to share a lot of graphic detail with your mom or great aunt, whereas you might be more open with your romantic partner or best friend.
Additionally, you need to be prepared for some people needing time to process what you’re telling them — and this is not always “personal” either. Your revelation might blow their mind, so give them time and space!
Lastly, you must also face the possibility that some relationships may change, and that some people may not want to maintain a close relationship with you anymore if they find out you do porn.
If someone does react negatively to your honesty, then it’s important to remember that you are not personally responsible for their reaction. The only thing you are responsible for, and the only thing you can actually control, is your own behavior.
KEEPING YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY SAFE
Again, given the social stigma out there that still prevails against adult performers and sex workers of all kinds, it is important beyond words to maintain your privacy and keep your the internet — or even your regulars — to know your real name and address. Let me say it again: keep your private life completely separate from your public adult persona! Never, ever mix your adult social media with your private accounts, and if you have “civilian” Facebook, Instagram or Twitter accounts, lock them up and make everything private. Additionally, take all necessary steps to secure your family safe.
Never, ever allow random strangers from other internet accounts, as well as your physical residence and/or studio space.
This might all sound very “James Bond,” but unfortunately the truth is that adult performers and their families face the same dangers of harassment that celebrities do — but unlike Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp, we don’t generally have the benefit of private security teams and armies of lawyers to keep us safe. I don’t mean to sound excessively dark and scary, but it is common sense that the internet is full of dangerous weirdos, yet many creators, especially newbies, often completely disregard the long-term consequences of their lax decisions concerning privacy and safety.
CAN PORN PERFORMERS REALLY HAVE IT ALL?
I get asked all the time: What does your husband think about you doing porn? Did you tell him? Are your kids not ashamed of you? How is your son feeling about his mum being a porn star?
It’s 2021, and yet many people still can’t wrap their minds around the fact that adult content creators are also human beings with basic human needs and rights — and one of the most crucial ones is having the support of a loving family.
Since I started my adult performing career when I was already married with kids, I had a full understanding of the consequences. The prospect of visiting schools, socializing with other parents and being part of your kid’s life while doing sex work may seem extremely daunting. Moreover, when you work as your own boss, as I did, it can be truly challenging to put work aside and have a perfect work/life balance.
Again, there’s no singular magic formula, and I’m not going to attempt platitudes. What I do find helpful, especially on days where I struggle, is to realize that my kids love me — and I am the best person to make them understand that what I do for work doesn’t make me less of a mother or less of a human being.
After all, we are responsible for the images and impressions that our kids take in about the world. We definitely live in the era of the internet, so having age-appropriate and educational conversations, as well as keeping our kids aware and open-minded, is key for a happy family life and well-adjusted children. Sex work is work, women in all industries deserves the same level of respect, and your children learn that respect from you.
Now that my son is old enough to understand more about the nature of my work, I am honest with him. I also make him aware that not everyone his age will understand, or have been raised to be so open-minded. Lucky for me, I also have a loving and supportive husband who shows our son good examples of positive masculinity and respect for all women — including those of us who work in adult. In my experience, having plenty of honest, open conversations and maintaining quality family time is what makes all the difference.
In other words: don’t listen to the haters and cynics! There’s absolutely no reason why you cannot be an adult performer, build your own family and have a healthy, balanced lifestyle; no matter what you want, it’s important you allow yourself the chance to pursue the personal dreams that matter to you most.
All told, a career in adult can be an amazing, satisfying and wildly creative ride — but only if you have very thick skin and full awareness of all pros and cons. Remember: no amount of money will ever be enough to fill the void if you lack friends or family, so never let your adult work (or any other work) prevent you from living life to the fullest.
Sabien DeMonia is a fetish model, cam girl and adult content creator from Poland. She is also the current brand ambassador for Cherry.tv. Since her arrival in the industry, Sabien has amassed hundreds of thousands of fans and followers that can’t get enough of her amazing body, extra large tits and sexy tattoos — not to mention her skillful blowjobs, girl-on-girl action and numerous “extra x-rated” fetish videos. Follow her at @Sabien_DeMonia on Twitter.