“The road to the Best Actress Oscar is paved with the discarded costumes of thespians who dare to bare,” Mr. Skin said. “Just look at the results of the new calculating system we’ve devised at the Skin Laboratories, a method which I am proud to call Skinenomics.”
Mr. Skin offers the following evidence: each of the 2007 Best Actress nominees has done a nude scene at least once in her career, every single Best Actress winner since 1988 has gone naked on camera, and, beginning in the 1960s, incidents of nudity among nominees for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress have risen dramatically.
“Let this be a wake-up, and strip-down, call to today’s starlets,” Mr. Skin said. “Toplessness increases your chances of acquiring top honors. Uncovering your statuesque form leads to nabbing that coveted statuette. Taking it off will have you taking home a very special someone before the eyes of billions worldwide — a short, bald, golden man named Oscar.”