I believe the most honest thing about the male anatomy is the cock. It will always tell the truth as to what it likes — what gives you that supercharged desire.
When it comes to role-play or kink or fetish, what people have to understand is: this is playtime. There’s a reason we call our sex rooms “playrooms,” and there’s a reason why we call the tools of our pleasure “toys.” We’re not in reality anymore. There’s a difference between your play friends and your play persona, and the rest of your life. This is just adults exploring fantasies and fetishes.
People that can’t distinguish between fantasy and the rest of their lives probably have no business in this arena.
That judgment just exists, and we have to overcome it for ourselves. We’re not in the squeaky-clean, middle-of-the-normal curve that for some reason mainstream society aspires to be in. And this notion that somehow, in S&M play, the bottom is at a disadvantage or not an equal part of the equation, is nonsense. You’re not going to have good submissive play with a sub if he’s not really ready for it or if he does not really love it. My mentor told me that S&M play is like a dance, and there’s a back and forth to this energy. The top gets off on the bottom’s willingness to be submissive, his desire to serve and please him. That’s rocket fuel for the top’s cock. The notion that this is just some victim, some person who has given up all of himself to enter into this type of play, is rubbish. It's a judgment from people who have no understanding of the dynamics of S&M or kink play.
A dialogue is essential. Any top worth their salt takes the time to understand the experience level of the bottom and insists that you have a conversation as adults. Then the play can begin. Then the lights can go down, you can get into your play gear, and you morph into your roles in this play dynamic. Even to call it play seems sort of trivial. It's an incredibly powerful exchange of energy between two people. But it’s essential that those conversations occur. And frankly it’s a responsibility of the top to insist on these things, and they shouldn’t be playing this way if they haven’t taken that step. Neglecting to do so is like top malpractice: it’s not right!
To me, there’s nothing more noble or more beautiful than someone who has checked their ego at the door and enters into this role of servant or slave. At the same time, for them to get into that headspace depends hugely on them trusting you — and that’s an honor and a responsibility. Again, for anyone to say that they are in a “bad” role or that it’s pathetic to be in this role, they don’t understand the dynamic of the play. It’s sacrilege in the halls of S&M for you to do anything but have complete respect for what this person is willing to do for you. And that’s why it’s about training and pushing limits. That’s a journey that you both celebrate together. You’re both proud of how far the sub has gone. How is that demeaning, really?
Take rape role-play. This isn’t real rape. This is the scene that we have agreed we’re going to do in the playroom. It’s got absolutely nothing to do with the real world other than that we are borrowing the word because it has all these connotations and we’re dabbling in the arena of the forbidden, which is always highly erotic. Whatever’s forbidden, whatever you were taught is wrong but somehow you’re able to step into it in a harmless way — that’s incredibly erotic.
So many desires or dirty talk preferences are about things you would never do in your day-to-day or say in everyday conversation. That’s why we have art, music, porn and sex! We take these things and repurpose and explore them. We enjoy tasting the forbidden. Again, we’re not talking about real-life wrong. People that can’t distinguish between fantasy and the rest of their lives probably have no business in this arena.
In the world of kink or even just sex, you’re doing things that seem naughty, but the nun isn’t going to come and slap you on the wrist for misbehaving — unless that’s the scene! Either way, at least you’re experiencing something you find sexy with a partner you trust. Take sex seriously, but let’s not be serious about sex, please?
Louis Ceruzzi is the CEO of online retailer Fort Troff (www.forttroff.com).
