We are all used to slang terms shifting from generation to generation, as words or phrases get co-opted and acquire new meanings. It is a much rarer occurrence when some of the most fundamental words in our language undergo a major transition in a short space of time, but that is exactly what is happening right now with pronouns.
Over the last decade, more and more people have begun sharing their preferred pronouns — the words that most accurately reflect how they identify themselves, and that tell others who they are, and are not. We have seen just how powerful the personal and social impact can be when others acknowledge and respect that choice, or ignore it.
Being supportive allies requires that we urge all our industry colleagues and employees, as well as our friends and neighbors, to remember that how you label a person matters.
Some people fall in line with the shift right away. They have no problem coping with, for example, new contextual definitions for the words “they” and “them.” This is partially because they are comfortable retraining their brains to understand the new usage, but also — and perhaps most importantly — because they are considerate about the needs of others. The effort of making the shift is not too onerous for them.
There are also plenty of people who make the effort, but sometimes stumble. They may forget to use a person’s preferred pronouns, or they may use the person’s name so as not to get it wrong. When they fail, they apologize. Though they make mistakes, they are still coming from a place of good intent, respect and kindness.
Then there are those who fall into the group I call “quitters.” They don’t bother to make an effort or dismiss the whole issue of preferred pronouns as unimportant. They make statements like, “I can’t be bothered with stuff like that!” or “I don’t get this stuff, so pfft!”
Helping those folks understand just how harmful that dismissive attitude can be is especially important in the pleasure industry, where the way we address customers and colleagues is a key part of helping people feel comfortable, discover themselves and fulfill their needs.
My most intense personal experience with language and identity arose not over gender but because, about three years ago, after many years of marriage, I was widowed. In addition to dealing with the grief and massive life changes this brought about, I also discovered that the label “widow” now defined how other people saw and thought of me, even how friends described and introduced me.
One day, I reached a point where I could no longer stand to be called a widow. It chafed me, pricked at me. I did not want to be identified solely by a term that represented the worst moment of my life, when I am so much more than that moment. I wanted to be a woman again, an individual. The first thing I did was to stop checking the “widow” box on forms. Instead, I would check “single.” It was a small, symbolic choice, but it meant a lot to my mental health.
A friend pushed back. “But you are a widow,” she told me.
I turned this over in my mind, then said to her, “That’s one of the things I am. But that’s not a word that conveys who I am today, how I see myself or how I want to be identified.”
Not so long ago, women were labeled “Mrs.” or “Miss” depending on their marital status. When society evolved and marital status stopped being the defining trait for all women, the neutral term “Ms.” came into common usage. Initially, it was perceived as a radical feminist attack on the social order. Today, anyone who objects to using “Ms.” is likely to be laughed off as ridiculously behind the times.
Well, society is now evolving in a direction where gender is no longer the defining trait for all people, and where gender identity is not determined solely by physical sex or pronouns assigned at birth. This is no longer a new thing. Our period of adjustment is over. Those who object to or ignore this shift will increasingly be seen as ridiculously behind the times.
Something else important to express to people resistant to this shift: Respecting pronouns is a mental health issue.
According to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), “Pronouns are important not only because they are used for everyday communication, but also because they are used to convey and affirm gender identity … This is especially true for those whose gender identity does not align with their sex assigned at birth. Being misgendered (i.e., being referred to with incorrect pronouns) can be an extremely hurtful and invalidating experience.”
In a recent Canadian study, 59% of nonbinary participants reported being misgendered daily, while 30% had that experience weekly or monthly.
The issue is even more pressing when it comes to young people. A recent study published in the Journal of Adolescent Health found that when transgender youth’s chosen names are used at home, school, work or with friends, this significantly reduces their risk of suicidal behavior.
Like I said, it’s OK to make mistakes, as long as you are earnestly making an effort. But there is no excuse for being a quitter, or simply callous in how you treat your fellow human beings.
In a world full of judgment, it takes a great deal of strength to speak your truth and wear it outwardly. It takes patience and grace to constantly explain how you identify yourself. For those of us who do not have to deal with that kind of struggle, being supportive allies requires that we urge all our industry colleagues and employees, as well as our friends and neighbors, to remember that how you label a person matters.
Claire Sass brings her personal journey and experience in business development and small business ownership to her writing for the adult toy industry. As a buyer for Knock First in Rockville, Maryland, she connects with customers on journeys of self-discovery, curates the store’s blog and leads its community outreach.
