As soon as I was contacted to write a piece for XBIZ about my journey from performer to director, I was excited. Right when I sat down to write it, I thought, “Fuck. Where do I even begin?” It’s insane to me when I realize that I’ve been in the industry for three years. Where did the time go? Looking back now, it’s like a whirlwind blur. I never planned for any of this. I never had a plan when I started. I would come to realize, however, that getting anything you want in this business requires you to come up with a plan. So, here’s how I got there.
When I first got into the industry in 2016, I thought I only ever had the option to be in front of the camera. Directing and producing was not even an afterthought in my mind. I would see directors like Jacky St. James or Holly Randall, and thought that it was just an opportunity that only certain people were given. I thought you had to know people, or have a lot of money, or be some big name with multiple recommendations from other directors. I had heard of girls going on to direct for their own sites, and thought of doing that in the faraway future; but directing was just something that I never saw myself doing, simply because I didn’t think that would ever happen for me. I was only focused on doing the best job that I could do on set and having fun.
I love performing and I love directing. People ask me all the time, ‘If you had to choose only one, which one would you pick?’ — and I’m never able to answer! I love both.
Next year rolled around before I knew it, and in the fall of 2017, I was cast for my first shoot with Pure Taboo — “A Mother’s Choice” — and I loved it, I was obsessed with the taboo aspect and the acting. “Prom Night” was my second scene and it was my first time shooting for Bree Mills, so I was over the moon. Bree messaged me on Twitter and asked for my measurements, because she would be ordering a prom dress for me later that evening. An actual prom dress! I had never been to prom in my life, and I was going to get do a prom-themed scene with four other guys! I was so excited, and I fell in love with all of the details that went into production: the theme, the details that went into the wardrobe, the overall mood of the scene, etc. I was beyond obsessed.
The next year, I got my first chance to write a story for Pure Taboo. That was the first time I could actually see myself being involved behind the camera. I loved writing my own story, supplying the props for it, writing the dialogue for the actors and seeing it all come to life. I put 100 percent into that scene, and I was so dedicated to the outcome of it that I checked the comments under the video every day for weeks after it came out. Every time that I was on a set afterwards, I started paying attention to everything that went into a production.
At the beginning of 2019, I started seeing a surplus of performers making their directorial debuts. I remember that being my first beacon of hope that I could have a chance at directing as well. I knew people with camera gear that would work with me, I had great ideas for stories that I knew would be great, and I had the desire to do well ... so why not me? Although I had no experience directing, I thought that the worst that someone could tell me was “no.” I pitched myself to the first company that ever hired me to direct, MissaX, on my second trip to Wisconsin to shoot for them. I loved shooting for them the first time the year before, and I loved their style of shooting and the unique scenarios and stories that Missa had written.
At the end of my second trip there, we had a talk about what they would expect and what they were looking for, but they took a chance on me. Looking back, I think that was my happiest night of my entire year, it was definitely the one that changed everything. Now, I had a chance to do something that I thought would never be an option for me. I was so grateful (and still am to this day), that Missa gave me the opportunity to step into directing. Since then, I’ve directed countless scenes and multiple features for them. I know that I can always come to her if I’m stuck writing a script on how to wrap up a scene, or to show more tension between two actors. A few weeks after I had released my first vignette and began to work on my second one, Bree came to me and offered me the opportunity to direct a new series that she was about to launch, “Lesbian Revenge.” Thus, my directing/producing career was born.
I love performing and I love directing. People ask me all the time, “If you had to choose only one, which one would you pick?” — and I’m never able to answer! I love both. With directing, I’m able to write and bring my stories to life. I’m able to create these beautiful, dreamy sets and communicate with the actors about what kind of performance I want from them. I also love being a performer; I love the sexual freedom I feel from doing sex work for a living, and I love that I’ve been able to build a successful career from it! I went from an unlicensed agency I found off of Craigslist to being a Spiegler Girl with the best two years that were better than I could have ever imagined. I used to tell people I wanted to be a Spiegler Girl more than anything, and I was even told by one person, “Yeah, you and everyone else,” to which I immediately thought, “Well ... why not me?”
It became a personal challenge at that point. I didn’t know if I would become a Spiegler Girl, just like I didn’t know if anyone would give me a directing job, but I was going to put 110 percent of my efforts into trying. I’ve had that attitude towards everything I’ve done in this industry. It doesn’t always work, but that’s life. I either look at it as “at least I tried” or “if it’s meant to happen for me, then it will eventually, or it won’t.”
I won’t pretend that there isn’t such a thing as nepotism in the industry or that some things don’t come easier to some than they do for others — but I will say that people notice passion, drive, professionalism and talent. If you feel yourself being drawn to a certain field in this industry and it’s something that you want more than anything, don’t give up! Opportunities present themselves all the time, and there’s never been a better time to be a performer-director in this industry.
