Let's get straight to the point. BDSM and kink are slowly becoming a household name because of movies like “Fifty Shades of Grey” and shows like “Bonding.” Although I don't believe these Hollywood productions are the greatest representation of BDSM and kink, I think it's at least getting the general public to talk about it more openly and it also brings a little humor to something that for many seems scary and dark.
In a nutshell, BDSM is essentially just an exchange of power between two individuals typically referred to as a dominant and a submissive, while some prefer the terms alpha and beta. Some individuals are considered to be a switch (able to switch between dom/sub roles), but that’s a whole different article!
BDSM and kink can be very fun and rewarding for both the dom and sub, but very dangerous at the same time.
There has to be a lot of trust involved in any BDSM relationship and this develops with time. The dominant has more control, because the submissive gave it to them, but this is not something that is taken without consent. This doesn't mean the submissive can't have any limits, opinions or suggestions.
With every new submissive that I take into consideration to train, I always have them fill out a lengthy questionnaire. I ask them their likes and dislikes, and any kinks and fetishes they may have or want to try, along with what they're looking to gain, and lastly any hard “no” they may have. No two doms or subs are alike, and that is what makes each BDSM or kink relationship different.
Another very important thing to have in place is a safe word, and that should always be discussed previously before any play or filming goes on. A safe word, for example, could be “red.” Anytime the sub says that word, it means to stop whatever is going on, with no questions, asked out of mutual respect. I have been in many BDSM relationships and really, they are like any other relationship. It’s not a one-size-fits-all type of thing, but when you find something that works, it can be magical!
BDSM relationships, in my opinion, will never work if it isn’t mutually beneficial to both parties. Even subs that are getting whipped to bloody hell in some way, shape or form are enjoying it. Some humans just know that they were put on this earth to serve. Pleasing and serving their dominant does give them pleasure, even if most can’t understand it.
Now, let's crush an annoying stereotype. Many times I've heard from people who don't know the first thing about BDSM relationships say stuff like, "Only fat, old or loser guys living in their mom's basement seek domination.” This is not true. In fact, a lot of times it's quite the opposite.
For instance, successful gentlemen in high corporate positions who often are the boss of everybody else also crave that feeling of letting go of control and handing it over willingly to someone else in order to feel balanced. Being able to have somebody else safely be in control is quite a satisfying feeling for them. Being in a confidential, safe, consensual, BDSM relationship can really make some of them feel whole.
In America, unfortunately, the majority of the society probably has an interest in kink or some type of fetish that they will never fulfill because of shame or fear of what others may think. Those who do choose to act on these interests seem to be some of the happiest people I've ever met!
The most important things about BDSM and kink are consent and safety! I think that is the part that is missing from these mainstream shows and sometimes even produced films. Something that irks me more than anything is seeing fetish porn that is not done correctly or safely. Believe it or not, there's even a proper way to spank someone's ass with your hand.
Whether you're new to it all and at home experimenting with your partner or you are a producer who wants to create this type of content, there are a few things you should know. I can't even tell you how many times I've seen acts like choking or impact play being used in fetish content done incorrectly.
Let's talk about consent, for a moment. No BDSM or kink, on or off film, should ever be done without consent — even everyone in the "lifestyle" should have clear limits and boundaries with a hard "no" list. This should seem obvious and where communication comes in. There should be a checklist of all activities that could possibly be used in a BDSM scene or playtime. Some of these things may include face slapping, spitting, spanking, choking, etc.
Another important topic people tend to forget about is trigger words. Some words can be offensive for some people and that needs to be discussed as well. Is it okay to use, just for an example, whore, slut, cunt or bitch? If there are any kink activities or words that you do not consent to, that needs to be clearly stated and discussed up front in detail.
BDSM and kink can be very fun and rewarding for both the dom and sub, but very dangerous at the same time. If you are not practicing with consent and safety, even in porn and fetish films, this is a problem! If you want to learn more, there are plenty of professionals that speak at seminars, make instructional videos and do in-person training including myself.
With that being said, I am always available if anybody has any questions on safety and/or consent in kink and BDSM, or I can point you to someone who has even more experience than I do!
Vicky Vixxx is a fetish model, producer, dominatrix, cam model and all-around entrepreneur. She can be found @RealVickyVixxx and @GoddessVickyV on Twitter, SpoilVickyVixxx.com and TheRealVickyVixxx.com.
