I visited the set on the 11th day of shooting, which was one day over the original schedule. A previous day's work had to be scrapped "because," said co-star Kylie Ireland, "an actor did not understand feature movies might require more than four hours of his time."
It all worked out better for me, because I'd missed the earlier days anyway.
The shoot took place in the former Linda Vista Hospital near downtown L.A. Across the parking lot of the complex the TV show The Shield was filming. The Shield's crew looked over our way wistfully.
Inside, down ill-lit hallways, there were still stretchers, wheelchairs, and even hospital files piled in boxes. The hospital closed in the 80s and has been used for filming ever since.
I asked Ireland to tell me about the movie, because all I knew about it was that it was expensive.
"It's the story of Senator David Helms (former AVN editor Bryn Pryor in a non-sex role), his wife (Ireland), and his plaything (Hillary Scott). My character will do anything to advance my husband's career, so I kidnap Hillary when I find that she has become an obsession rather than a toy and can hurt his political ambitions.
"In the end, most of the cast either dies or gets sold into slavery," she noted.
"Like in 7th Heaven?" I asked.
"No."
The hospital seemed haunted. It was bright outside but inside, turning certain corners, I would jump back. My sensitivity to the nether world makes me valuable as America's Porn Journalist.
A scene between Ireland, Scott, and Steve Holmes was being shot in the same boiler room Freddy Krueger operated out of in Nightmare on Elm Street.
Writer/director Eli Cross said that Ireland's double-fisting and butt plug scenes would be taken out of the R-rated cable version.
"You're no rebel," I said.
Cross and Ireland described a movie that would have no comic relief (though James Deen plays a doomed reporter and Alana Evans a doomed secretary, and they are both pretty funny when they are not doomed) but instead a lot of dark, fetishy elements. Ireland descended into the sweltering boiler room in a skin-tight vinyl ensemble.
I had never met the Romania-born Holmes before. He directs for Red Light District and spends three months of the year in the United States. He was witty and urbane. He took the time to style his hair and wear cologne in the heat. The ladies appreciate that.
Kylie showed me her vagina unprompted. I appreciate that. There is something in this movie for everyone.
Here's how suave Steve Holmes is:
Ireland, Holmes and I were sitting in a corner. Hillary Scott walked by. He politely asked her to come over. She did. He sat her down. He gently pulled down her pants and began eating her out. Then he turned her around and began fucking her. He was getting ready for his scene. The cameras weren't rolling. The rest of us continued talking about the Glendale Fire Department.
I want to be like Steve Holmes when I become Romanian.
The boiler room scene found Kylie giving in to her own curiosity about the hold Scott has over her husband. She works Scott over with various implements, then leaves Scott to be further worked over by the bodyguards, one of whom is Holmes.
I had to leave because, when you have someone like me who is so in tune with the spirit world, it is often dangerous that I might cross over to the shadow realm. And what would I use to type?
"I'm sorry you didn't get to see any sex!" Cross called after me as I left. Oh, but I had.
In addition, I was happy to be a peanut gallery witness to the American political process.
