Spreadsheets App 'Gamifies' the Bedroom

Lila Gray

CYBERSPACE — New app Spreadsheets “gamifies” intimate experiences by using statistical and historical feedback recorded through users' iPhones to monitor — and try to improve — their sexual performance.

According to the app’s website, Spreadsheets “monitors data from user’s movement and audio levels through the accelerometer and microphone to provide statistical and visual analysis of their performance in bed."

It continues: “Spreadsheets does not record or playback audio or video. That would be creepy.”

Some of the quantitative measurements include thrusts made per minute, duration of intercourse and even how loud you and your partner moan (measured in decibels).

“Based on all these things, if you're having sex for a long time and it’s rigorous and you're making loud noises, the app assumes you’re probably having pretty good sex,”said Justin Yu, co-host of CNET’s 404 show online.

“I guess you somehow have to have the phone strapped to your naked body in order to guage these things,” he added.

The information recorded isn’t relayed, backed up or synced to the Internet, but the creators point out that couples looking to become pregnant could share it with their doctor, or the health conscious with their nutritionist (after all, it burns calories).  

The app is currently available through the iTunes App Store for $1.99 through August. Following August, the price will jump to $2.99.

 Unfortunately, Spreadsheets answers the FAQ “Will Spreadsheets get me laid?” in the negative.

“No, Spreadsheets is not an escort service. It is also not a great pickup line, or maybe it is; in which case you should tell us your success story on our Facebook page or Twitter feed,” the full reply reads.