I have been eyes-wide fangirling about Brené Brown recently. Her TED Talks on the power of vulnerability are changing the way we think as a culture about authenticity and connection. In her “Unlocking Us” podcast, Brown interviews David Kessler about his new book on grief. While listening to Brown and Kessler talk about the pandemic, one sentence stopped me in my tracks: We are dealing with the collective loss of the world we knew.
Something clicked for me. Of course! Grief is what we feel when we lose someone. Grief is also what we feel when we lose something that is important to us: our sense of general safety, relative economic stability, our ability to physically connect or come together for celebration. We are grieving the loss of “normal.”
Guilting ourselves only adds to the difficult emotions with which we are already dealing. We can get stuck in a negative loop.
David Kessler and Elisabeth Kubler-Ross cowrote a groundbreaking book, “On Grief and Grieving” about five stages of loss: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. Recently Kessler added a sixth stage, "meaning making," in “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.”
Naming what many of us are feeling as grief made such sense to me, I want to share it with you, to let you know what you feel right now is normal, you are not alone and that together we can get through this.
When we name our experience, we provide a language that we can share with each other. We start to make sense of our emotions and we can learn to manage them.
Understanding the Stages of Grief
- Denial: The virus is not that bad. It won’t affect us.
- Anger: I can’t stay indoors all the time. My family, friends and work need me!
- Bargaining: If I follow all of the rules, everything will go back to normal.
- Sadness: Is this ever going to end? I don’t know what to do, It’s hopeless.
- Acceptance: This is happening, what can I do to move forward?
- Meaning making: I connected more with my parents far away. I discovered the hidden forest near my house.
Managing the Stages of Grief
Knowing the stages does not make us move through them faster. It allows us to feel emotions without fighting them or ignoring them. Otherwise, they may manifest in more harmful ways, like depression or anxiety disorders.
Acknowledging Emotions Without Letting Them Control You
Many of us are experiencing what’s called anticipatory grief. We are grieving what we might lose in the future. It’s a form of anxiety or worry: What if my grandparents get sick? What if I never get to see them again? Worry about loss is a normal response in these uncertain times. It becomes unhealthy when we get stuck on worst case scenarios.
Empower Yourself With Acceptance
It is understandable that we feel helpless and overwhelmed right now. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. Acceptance involves acknowledging that we have circles of influence. Try this, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Write inside the circle the things that you can control: hand washing, distancing, job hunting. Write outside what you worry about but can’t control: how long the pandemic lasts,the neighbor’s behavior, the job market.
When we accept what is outside our control and refocus on what we can control, we take back our power. This is happening, what steps can I can take to proceed?
Change Your Meta-Emotions
We can tap into acceptance in whatever grief stage we find ourselves. I’m so angry that I can’t see my parents. But I shouldn’t feel angry because other people have it worse. How we feel about our emotions are meta-emotions.
Guilting ourselves only adds to the difficult emotions with which we are already dealing. We can get stuck in a negative loop. But changing our self-talk to foster compassion rather than guilt helps us to unstick and move on: It’s understandable that I am angry. How can I connect with them a different way?
Stop Ranking
Comparing your loss to other people’s is unhelpful. The worse loss is always the one you are experiencing right now, says Kessler. Your loss is valid and legitimate to you. This is true for everyone else too.
Be There For Each Other
We tend to be more judgmental in times of uncertainty. That neighbor just ignores lockdown rules! Judgment demands punishment, suggests Kessler. As a result, we hurt others: Stupid neighbor. Or we hurt ourselves: I’m so petty. Compassion is the antidote. Extend compassion to yourself and to the neighbor who seems to be in denial. We are both stressed right now.
Focus on Right Now
If you start to feel overwhelmed or discombobulated, bring yourself back to earth by grounding. Wiggle your toes and describe what they feel, the cold of the floor, the fuzziness of your socks. Name five things you see in the room. Do a breathing exercise. “Therapy In a Nutshell” offers a great grounding resource.
Identify Meaningful Moments
Kessler explains that healing often happens in this stage. Meaning is not found in the pandemic itself but in what we learn, what we remember and how we change as a result. It’s not a tradeoff. Personally, I’d much rather have “old normal” back. But when I name the meaningful moments – reconnection to old friends via Zoom, getting closer to my partner’s family, playing the card game “Shit Head” with copious amounts of wine, finding beauty in the nature close to home – it makes it easier to let go of old normal and move on to whatever the future holds for us.
If you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope or just need someone to talk to, Pineapple Support can help. Contact us at PineappleSupport.org.
Jena Field is a coach, therapist and psychology journalist who works with Pineapple Support and can be followed at TheMonkeyTherapist.com, on Twitter @monkeytherapist or on Facebook.com/Jennifer.Field.1000. Visit PineappleSupport.org for more resources.
