I read the comment over and over, sitting alone in the darkness of my bedroom and clutching the wound on my abdomen. Biting back tears, I took a deep breath and composed myself; I knew it was not the first, nor the last time, someone would attack me for being unconventional.
As a person with colorful tattoos covering almost half of their body, I quickly grew accustomed to negative comments on the internet. For any adult model, it comes with the job. The tattoos were my choice; however, the new equipment attached to my body was not.
I believe that disability representation in pornography will revolutionize the way that folks relate to themselves and their sexual partners.
In June of 2019 I underwent a total abdominal colectomy — a major surgery in which the entirety of my diseased colon was removed via six incisions into my abdominal cavity. In layman’s terms, I was disemboweled.
After 16 painful years, this was the first of many surgeries to improve my quality of life. Before, I lived with ulcerative colitis (UC), an aggressive form of bowel disease. Now, I live with an ostomy.
After having this organ removed, I can no longer process food or expel waste the way the majority of the world does. Instead, I now have a permanent ileostomy. The end of my small intestine (the “ileum”) has been re-routed out of my body through an opening (called a “stoma”) in my abdomen. This little piece of my small bowel sits outside of my body, and is attached to medical equipment, which I manage and empty throughout the day. The whole set up is commonly referred to as an “ostomy,” and in my case, more specifically an “ileostomy”.
As my tongue-in-cheek Twitter bio now cheerfully reads, I may not have a colon — but I sure am full of shit.
Due to complications after surgery, I spent the better part of a month in the hospital unable to eat or walk without significant pain, and at one point stopped breathing. When I finally returned home, I battled with the decision to return to sex work. Considering all of the new changes in my body, I knew my career would never be the same. After much back-and-forth, I mustered the courage to post a photo of myself with my ostomy on my Twitter.
The response was overwhelmingly positive, but the negative comments were more cutting than ever before. Up until my surgery, I had always passed as an able-bodied person. Only those who knew me personally knew about my medical struggles, and they seemed to respect me more for it. Now that my disability was out and open for the world to see, I realized the true weight of having a visible disability. The hate I received was not directed at the choices I made regarding my body (like with my tattoos). Instead, the hate was directed at matters out of my control. It was directed at who I am.
Outraged, I turned to my community for support and advice. What I found was an endless catalogue of disabled sex workers of all walks of life, each and every one of them with their own unique story. The commonality between us was that we weren’t letting our disabilities stop us from living a sexually empowered life.
It’s no surprise that disabled folks are rarely well-represented in media, but this discrimination is not limited to movies and television; pornography rarely features visible disabilities without fetishizing them. Reflecting on the initial negative comments that I received regarding my new body, I discovered a newfound passion to create inclusive explicit content. Disabled people consume pornography, so why shouldn’t they be properly represented in it?
With the help of Another Production Company (@anoproco on Twitter), and my co-star VixenVu (@therealvixenvu), in September I released my first professionally produced video. To my knowledge, this was the first ever ostomy-inclusive porn. Through the process of making pornography post-surgery, I’ve realized that being naked and disabled is an act of rebellion. My naked body is no longer just a naked body; it’s a political statement.
Having a disability doesn’t make you any less sexy, nor should it deter you from engaging in sex. That being said, when pornography isn’t relatable, it creates barriers for self-esteem. I believe that disability representation in pornography will revolutionize the way that folks relate to themselves and their sexual partners.
Inspired by the conversations about disabilities and sex happening around me, I decided to produce a calendar featuring 12 months of disabled sex workers. The goal for this project was to celebrate the eccentricities and differences in our bodies, and to recognize that disabled people can be just as sexy as able-bodied folks.
Though at first I was concerned about finding 12 people to participate, by the end of October I had so many submissions that I wasn’t able to include myself in the calendar. Instead, I am featured on the cover with my arms wide open, staring skyward with a massive grin on my face. My ostomy is front and center, seemingly an afterthought despite its live-saving function.
The Disabled Sex-Workers 2020 calendar features 15 powerful images of proud participants from around the globe. I hope that the calendar will spark conversations in our community regarding the inclusion of disabled folks, and inspire anyone living with a disability or chronic illness to enthusiastically embrace their body for the unique and beautiful form that it is.
Making this calendar has been a healing and motivating process that has given me a deeper understanding of myself in relation to my body. I can honestly say that I have never been as confident as I am now that I have an ostomy. I’ve grown to love and appreciate my body in a way I didn’t think was possible, and am grateful for all of the disabled folks in our community who have contributed to this project. In doing so, they have contributed to my journey of self-acceptance.
Transitioning into life with an ostomy in my mid-twenties hasn’t been easy, made harder by the fact that my income is directly based on my body. There are still some days where I worry about the inevitable ableism I will face, but reflecting on the negative comments I read when I first left the hospital I realize how far I’ve come.
If the Disabled Sex-Workers 2020 calendar is any indication of what is to come in my career and life, I know that it will be full of creative advocacy. In whatever way I can, I am dedicated to uprooting ableism in porn. I have finally found my life’s purpose, and in a way, I’m grateful for the people who call my disability ugly. Without them, I may not have realized how beautiful I am.
GoAskAlex is an XBIZ Award-nominated cam model, content creator and activist for sex workers with a disability. She can be followed @GoAskAlexMFC on Twitter and Instagram. Visit Etsy.com/ca/shop/GoAskAlexOfficial to purchase her “Disabled Sex-Workers 2020” calendar.
