People are always talking about how we should “live in the now” and “be present.” Sometimes, we may shame ourselves for dwelling on the past or dreaming of the future, thinking that we shouldn’t be looking too far ahead or worry about what may come, and we shouldn’t be getting too caught up in things that have already happened. We want to do our best to focus on being the best version of ourselves that we can be right now. We often forget, though, that it is possible to look at our past with love, not ruminating on it but appreciating it.
We are often so focused on living in the present that we forget to be mindful of where we have been and how far we have come. Exactly one year ago, I never thought that I would be a two-time cosplay award winner for my clips and cam work. It was hard for me to see that I had come such a long way from when I had started incorporating cosplay into my clips about four years ago and that other people had been noticing that as well.
I was having a hard time focusing on how much I had improved over the years because I was still stuck on clips and photos that I had produced back at the beginning of my professional cosplay career that I felt were not an accurate representation of my work at the time. I was disheartened at the same time, because I felt like my audience didn’t care about how much work I was putting into costumes, props and sets — they only cared about the actions I was performing, which could have easily been done without any costume at all. It was extremely difficult for me to focus on living in the moment and progressing day-to-day because of my negative habit of dwelling on the past. It was holding me back dramatically, and negative thoughts just kept piling up until they felt like too much of a burden for me to create new, better content. Nothing I did was good enough for my personal standard, and I didn’t want to release anything that wasn’t perfect.
You could say that I am a bit of a productivity addict. I love doing things that are beneficial to me in some way. I love the feeling of doing something positive or productive for myself — whether it’s squeezing in that extra 30-minute yoga session, listening to podcasts or simply cleaning up my workspace. I get so caught up with being a “better version of me” that I forget to appreciate my current version.
Last week, when I was editing photos from my latest cosplay shoot, I felt this sense of pride. I had always wanted to be famous and successful in some way growing up. It was my dream to be able to transform into a fictional character and to see people be entertained by a persona I had embodied. Of course, I wasn’t where I wanted to be in my career, but how cool was it that I was actually doing it? I was creating new content, becoming a new character at least twice a month, people were enjoying the content I was producing, and I was gaining popularity while doing so — something I dreamed of since I was a kid. This realization then snowballed into this moment where I looked at my life and said to myself, “Wow, I’ve done all these things and I’m living a life I’ve always wanted.”
I began to list in my mind the things I have accomplished: I moved away from my home city, a place I hated; I’ve traveled to different parts of the country; I've met many incredible people in the adult industry that have made me feel like family; I won two awards recognizing my achievements with my cosplay content; I continue to work towards making my childhood dreams come true… I realized that I sometimes get so caught up with my big dreams, like being a cosplayer who attends guest spots at conventions around the world, that I forget to recognize all of the little dreams I’ve made come true!
Even writing this, I feel a bit embarrassed. A lot of the times it can feel like we’re bragging or that we don’t have a right to be proud of the things we’ve done. Maybe we have this feeling that somehow, we shouldn’t be proud of the things we’ve accomplished because we aren’t where we want to be. Oftentimes, I feel like a braggart even mentioning the fact that I’ve been published as a cover girl of a magazine or won several awards for my work. I feel like others in the adult industry have accomplished so much more than I have, so I didn’t have any right to be outwardly proud of my achievements. But for a daughter of an immigrant mother and hardworking father who both had more than their share of obstacles in life, I’ve come far, and it’s important to recognize that.
How about we look at the past to appreciate it? How about we appreciate our own journeys and our own resilience? How about we look at the places we’ve been, the relationships we’ve formed, the things we’ve achieved, not with regret or the longing of “If only” or “What if” or “I wish I was still there,” but “Wow, I did that? That’s where I used to be? That’s pretty cool.” We can get so caught up looking at where we should be, where we aren’t and where others are in comparison, that we forget to appreciate where we’ve been and where we’ve come from.
This was the first time it really hit me how big this is, and how important it is to celebrate my own personal progress. I felt like I had a true sense of perspective on life as a whole, from the triumphs to the failures, from obstacles to mistakes to perfect coincidences. It’s amazing that we are all living and growing, trying to be the best we can be and moving forward every day. It’s a beautiful thing to be mindful of the present, but don’t forget to honor yourself, your past and how far you have come. Odds are, it’s further than you think.
MV Star Felicia Vox is an XBIZ Award-winning cosplayer who taps into gaming, sci-fi and fantasy to create inspiring performances for her fans.
