Mental health among adult performers has been a recent topic of discussion — and for good reason. In late 2017, after the death of multiple stars, the industry seemed to finally get real about such issues. As a survivor of a suicide attempt in 2012, XBIZ invited me to share my outlook on this topic with the rest of the industry.
An alarming one in five adults in the United States deals with mental illness and yet it is rarely talked about openly in any industry, let alone porn. As performers, our job is to be a sexual being, a perfect fantasy. When we talk openly about the fact we’re depressed, it can ruin the illusion. This could contribute to why a lot of people keep quiet about their struggles. Not only is it “not sexy” to talk about mental illness, we work in such a competitive industry that it’s hard not to worry about being judged. “What if directors think I’m crazy? I’ll stop getting booked for scenes and be blacklisted. No one will hire me and I’ll be broke.” These are very real thoughts.
As performers, our job is to be a sexual being, a perfect fantasy. When we talk openly about the fact we’re depressed, it can ruin the illusion.
How do I know this? Because I was once in the same position, addicted to cocaine and an alcoholic. I was far from mentally stable. I was using substances to numb the pain I felt internally. When I was drunk or high, I would temporarily forget about my problems and be able to put on a happy face. It wasn’t until I decided to get clean and sober that I realized I would have to face my demons head-on.
The pressure we face as performers is undeniable. Our entire bodies are on display for the world to judge. We get hired based upon our looks. Fellow performers can often be catty or form cliques. It can feel like high school all over again.
When award season comes, it’s hard not to be affected mentally. If you’re not nominated, it’s crushing. It feels like you aren’t good enough, that you’re not appreciated, and that you’ll never be noticed. If you do get nominated and then don’t win, it can be crushing as well. Porn is a tough world and you have to have thick skin to mentally survive.
I want to be completely clear: I do not think porn is to blame for mental health problems, but I do think it can definitely have an effect on someone who is already prone to mental health issues.
I think an important part of staying sane is to be able to separate your life from the industry: make sure to have hobbies outside of anything industry-related; have non-industry friends who know you for you; and keep your personal and performer social media [channels] separate. These have been ways that I’ve separated my two personas. I am Karmen, who is sexual, carefree and outgoing and always finding a new way to grow her business. But then I am also Amber, who lives a normal life as a wife and mother. Both personas are important to one another and I encourage you to find that balance yourself.
It’s easy to get lost in this industry. I remember a time when my life revolved around porn. I was no longer “Amber” — I even used my stage name when the Starbucks barista would ask for my name. I went a couple years without even hearing my real name; I almost forgot I wasn’t only known as “Karmen.” It’s hard not to get wrapped up in the excitement and attention that porn brings you, but it’s important to remember who you are outside of porn. When I was able to compartmentalize my two worlds, I began to find peace.
When I decided to write down my story, I wasn’t very confident I would ever get published. I wasn’t a professional writer, I had no writing experience; hell, I barely scraped by in high school English class. Let’s not leave out the biggest fear I had — would anyone even take a porn star seriously as a writer? I continued to write for my own therapeutic reasons, just telling myself that if I ever got published, it would be a bonus. Deep down, I was dying for someone to want to share my story. When Rare Bird decided they would publish my memoir, I was ecstatic. Apart from being entirely proud of myself for becoming a soon-to-be author, I couldn’t wait for the world to read my story.
As someone who has struggled with mental illness from a young age, my go-to book genre has always been the memoir. I would find stories similar to what I was going through, and reading someone else’s story always inspired me. There is something very comforting about knowing someone struggled just like you but they overcame it. It gives hope and a reason to keep moving on.
My journey wasn’t easy. If you want to get sober bad enough, you will. If you want to be happy bad enough, you will be. There are so many people, resources, books, activities and more out there that can change your life. When you hit a point where you’re serious about recovery, the world is yours.
It took me five years of half-assed trying to get sober until I finally decided enough was enough. I woke up one morning with the worst hangover I experienced and my depression at an all-time low, when I knew that I would never drink or use again. And I never did. I’m almost five years clean-and-sober and making that decision alone was enough to clear up most of my mental health issues. I put myself in therapy and read many self-help books to figure out the rest. Self-care is the most important factor in your mental health. Learn how to take care and nurture yourself. Learn how to say “no.” Find out what your goals and purpose are. If you’re struggling with mental health issues, I promise there is a whole other world out there waiting for you and your happiness. And I hope my memoir — titled “Overcome: A Memoir of Abuse, Addiction, Sex Work and Recovery” — can help other performers find strength to be the best version of themselves.
“Overcome” is in pre-order, ahead of a July release, and can be found by searching for “Karmen Karma” on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
