My name is Macy Kennedy and I have been a sex worker for six years. Body positivity in our industry and community is something I had the pleasure of touching on when I went to the ManyVids loft with three loft sisters for a week, but it is also something that has affected me personally as a sex worker since day one.
When I first hit broadcast on MyFreeCams.com, it was a nerve-wracking experience. I was brand new, never having owned a sex toy, been in a sex store or a strip club for that matter and had no idea what I was doing. One thing was certain, I was never the most confident in my body. Having gone from doing competitive cheer and sports my whole life, to doing nothing going into college and my body changed dramatically. I was no longer a size 0 and I had gained more than my freshman 15. I became a thicker, curvier, fuller version of high school Macy.
We, as cam models, have proven on a nightly basis that different is profitable, that different is beautiful, that we can make just as much or more money than what society’s norms find attractive.
Unfortunately enough, during the same time I started camming, I got diagnosed with two heart conditions. I had been fainting since I was seven and relief came when I finally got diagnosed at 20 years old. I wanted to do everything I could to get the weight off but when my doctor told me physical activity had to be put on hold, along with driving, extreme heat or cold, florescent lights and crowds, I felt hopeless.
I had to learn to be happy with what I had at the moment, until I could get back to being active. When I looked in the mirror, I hated myself. I hated getting dressed in the morning and doing anything that reminded me that my body had changed. The only thing that helped me was logging on cam and seeing the flood of compliments from members that didn't even know me. The confidence boost I gained from amazing nights on cam was like a drug to me. Getting high off of every nice thing members were saying and feeding off of their excitement to see what I was going to do next made me a quick and full-fledged addict.
All of that would subside when I had a bad night on cam. Thinking the trolling and low payout meant that I wasn't thin enough or had the physique to be a cam model. I couldn't help myself in the beginning because I hadn't gained the thick skin you need to survive the industry.
I needed to unlearn what a "perfect body" looked like in order to cure the self-hatred. I couldn't be the successful model I wanted to be without loving myself because it showed in my work. I wanted to share my insecurities and flaws with my fans to overcome the fear of being ridiculed and just say fuck it, it is what it is.
Now, six years later, I have done it all. Camming, amateur clips, professional porn, photoshoots, podcasts, expos, you name it and I can honestly say that the majority of the body shaming didn't come from nightly viewers, it came from the industry companies I dreamt of working with. Don't get me wrong, I have had so many amazing opportunities in this industry and I have worked hard to get them. At the same time, I have been rejected too many times to count for "my weight" or because I didn't have "the look we are interested in.” Those responses are always fun. Realistically, yes, everyone faces rejection, but more times than not, "normal" body types don't face as much as the thicker or BBW girls in the industry.
Now, coming from a place of understanding, I cannot complain because I don't face the struggles our BBW girls do. They simply go unrecognized way too often for their success and beauty. On the other hand, I find myself in the middle. Too curvy to be mainstream and too thin to be BBW. So where does that leave me? It leaves me in that awkward grey area where I have to ask myself why is my body type not good enough for certain jobs? Why should I be one or the other? Why don't companies just hire models of different types?
As a company wouldn't you want a huge range of models to relate to every consumer, or the same thing with a new tag on it? As a business woman, I can only think of the profit they miss out on from not working with models of every size and color. I would ask them, what are you afraid of by showcasing these models? That someone won’t like that model? That they aren't your typical jerkoff material? We, as cam models, have proven on a nightly basis that different is profitable, that different is beautiful, that we can make just as much or more money than what society’s norms find attractive.
I hope as 2019 creeps closer, adult industry companies stop throwing up the ugly category walls for porn and content. We stop dividing our performers by looks and superficial bullshit. Can we not as artists and creators just make beautiful and sexy things without slapping a cheap and offensive label on them?
Those non body-positive labels that are put on our adult work make respect look like an afterthought. I am not trying to bash the industry I’m so very passionate about and love, I just want to awaken people to the body-positive equality that our generation is begging for and this industry lacks, but for some reason, ignores as if it isn't mocking us.
I love my body, I love who I am and I love that I found someone that loves all of me too. I think our industry needs the same thing, love. After all, we are all human and not just sex robots and we deserve respect as professionals. Sprinkle in some care and ethics and we have a better professional environment for all of us to thrive in.