Life kicks a Hollywood movie’s ass, because let me tell you, nothing that any screenwriter can make up compares with the real thing. That’s true even when you’re an overweight Hispanic girl in Hollywood who wants to become a famous actress in what might seem like the most cliché storyline ever.
I grew up looking at myself in the mirror, throwing little shows for my family, acting, struggling, trying, fighting, laughing and hating myself. You know, your normal teenage girl living in Hollywood.
Camming made me want to pursue acting even more, so now my time is spent between acting classes and Studio 20. I do it effortlessly and that is because this job is not work, it’s something I love.
I first heard about camming a few years ago and I became obsessed with some of the cam models that I was watching: beautiful, strong, independent and always smiling. I started watching them in free chat, admiring their way of talking, the way they acted in front of the camera, the way they played with it.
I used to watch them from my couch, being in a dead-end marriage that made me feel insecure, ugly, unwanted … all the things the cam girls were not.
So, I said, “Enough!” I had to write my own script and it had to start as soon as possible.
I started eating right and every time I looked in the mirror I saw a different woman … a tall one, and I loved her smile. I started loving myself thereafter.
When you have insecurities about your body or yourself, you have to love small parts of yourself first. I started with my smile, then my eyes.
I wasn’t 100 percent cured when I first got to Studio 20. I still had insecurities and was feeling a bit ashamed of my past even though it wasn’t my choice. I thought that I was the only one that was going through shit and all the cam girls were just happy people by default. Then, the girls started opening up to me.
I had my first days of training, and to my surprise, nobody threw me in a room with a camera and told me “good luck.” They sat with me, asked me about myself and asked about my story.
The hardest thing in the world is talking about yourself and letting people in, especially when every time you let someone in, you end up hurt.
I learned that I’m not alone. The whole team from Studio 20 became my family, my biggest fans and my supporters. They saw me as beautiful and that made me believe that I am. So now, when I look in the mirror, I can see every part of my body and myself as beautiful.
The members are amazing too. I started feeling so confident about myself and my body that right now, I’m so excited to show it off in different outfits that I buy thinking, “Hmmm, what would they like to see me in?”
And it’s time I dropped the act, ladies. It’s time I dropped the faux-feminist rant. I love dressing up for myself, but I adore getting dressed up for them. I adore their words of encouragement and although I found myself thinking, “these are just words that they say to any cam girl that they see,” their appreciation made me feel wanted. Everyone wants to feel or be wanted.
Camming made me want to pursue acting even more, so now my time is spent between acting classes and Studio 20. I do it effortlessly and that is because this job is not work, it’s something I love.
Well, come to think about it, I did have my Hollywood love story. I fell in love with myself. And that’s the biggest accomplishment ever!
