It’s easy to tell with a quick glance that at any given time, the market for BBW is tremendously popular across most adult sites ... so why don’t we see more big beautiful women being featured or promoted by the companies profiting off our hard work? There is a growing population of fans and supporters, many of whom in the past supported in silence for fear of ridicule from others, who see sexual freedom in fat female bodies as a joke or as a placeholder for the socially normal “regular” or thin woman. The reality is that 68 percent of women in the U.S. are a size 14 or above, according to a recent study. Yet, the world tells us both directly and indirectly, that we have to fit into a certain box and if we don’t fit in the box, we shouldn’t be happy.
I grew up believing that I had to look a certain way. I sought the acceptance of strangers and pleaded for their willingness to get to know me beyond my looks. I heard quotes like “beauty is pain” and “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” and as a teenager recovering from an eating disorder, I thought it had to be that way. I believed the garbage being fed to us by beauty and diet industries that we needed them. They take our insecurities and sell them back to us. The idea that having more fat, a double chin, body hair, darker skin tones, acne, wrinkles, etc., is “unattractive” is something that we must address as a society. I believe our unachievable idea of beauty is compounded with the age of social media. It’s been proven that our westernized view of beauty is detrimental and leads to further mental health problems, such as depression and disordered eating.
Loving yourself as you are with all of your flaws is the foundation of growth. You’re worth it. You deserve to feel beautiful in the skin you’re in. You deserve to feel sexy, because you are.
If you add our perfectionist standards with something as “taboo” as sex work or pornography, we are met with an abundance of resistance. Sex is used to sell every product from makeup to hamburgers (I’ve talked about this vehemently before but it bears repeating) and we don’t bat an eye, but we still insist that “having morals” makes it okay to consume the advertisements and purchase the products. Commercialism convinces us that sex used to sell us products is acceptable but when we use our sexual energy to make money, we are doing something wrong or immoral. Morality is subjective. And in this instance, it’s used as a mask worn by those who want to judge others for their decisions. When someone utilizes their sexuality and profits off of it, they are labeled as sluts.
Now, add being fat into the equation. Think about all of the movies, songs, TV shows and advertisements you see mocking and ridiculing fat people. We are the comedic relief. Our worth is directly tied into our weight. We are not seen or portrayed as sexy or hot unless we lose weight and have a revenge story. If you are a sex worker who also happens to be fat, you are facing two of the biggest stigmas of our society. Fat people aren’t seen as actual people in a lot of ways. We are seen as lesser in the eyes of many. We are called lazy, unmotivated, gross, etc. We are told we are undeserving of the space we occupy and deserving of the ridicule and unsolicited advice we receive. The unsolicited advice and criticism isn’t because they actually care about us or about our health; they simply care about their comfortability. They aren’t comfortable seeing a fat person being sexy. But it is neither my, nor your, responsibility to make people feel comfortable, because we exist as we are.
Those attracted to fat people often feel ashamed because they are ridiculed by their “friends” and peers, so they are secretive about their attraction. I’ve seen a shift in the consumption of BBW porn, in part, I believe, thanks to the body-positive movement. The consumption of porn featuring fat bodies has risen and I believe that trend will continue. It’s time that all adult sites catch on. Attending a convention and leaving empty handed because none of the merchandise fits us is not acceptable. Lack of promotion for differing body types or skin tones is not acceptable. We have the opportunity to be better as an industry and a whole. We deserve to feel included. We deserve promotion. We deserve recognition for our hard work. We must continue opening our minds and hearts to the beauty of variety.
We still have a long way to go but I think we’re headed in the right direction. Beauty doesn’t come in any particular size, color, or shape. Loving yourself is a direct act of defiance against a society driven by unrealistic beauty standards. Remember that this is a journey without a set finish line and you will have days where you stumble, but that’s why it is imperative to surround yourself with a solid support system and community. I am extremely fortunate to have what I believe is (and maybe I’m a tad biased) the most incredible supporters in the galaxy. They have supported me over four years of learning and growing as a person and performer.
Your community is important. Creating an atmosphere of love, positivity and passion, where people want to return, is a magnificent accomplishment. It sounds like something so simple, but it will make a lasting difference. There are people who could be doing anything else, but they are there with you.
Loving yourself as you are with all of your flaws is the foundation of growth. You’re worth it. You deserve to feel beautiful in the skin you’re in. You deserve to feel sexy, because you are. Continue your journey of self-love and self-discovery as a person and a performer. Your body is not wrong. Your work doesn’t have to be what other people are doing. It doesn’t have to be defined by what people are comfortable seeing or doing. You will never make everyone happy. At the end of the day, you are the most important person to make happy.
