Growing up, I was a victim of the media, and what it does to young girls. Every magazine I looked through, every poster I came across and every commercial I saw on TV morphed my mind into thinking that if I was ever anything but a size 0, I would not be loved by the world.
It worked.
I’ve learned that real fans love you through thick and thin, through ups and downs. There is always someone that is going to find you beautiful, no matter what your size when you log online.
When I was three years old, my grandma put me in ballet classes because all I ever talked about was wanting to be a ballerina. By the time I was nine years old, I was en pointe and dancing in the nutcracker. I thought I had found my passion. I was only a child, when my ballet instructor called me into a room, and told me my “bum was looking a bit too big compared to the other girls.” Keep in mind, I was nine years old and a good 65 pounds, nothing but skin and bone.
That is what started it all. I kept dancing ballet, and even picked up ice dancing, and tap dancing classes and did them around the clock until I was 17 years old.
One day in gym class in my junior year of high school, I fainted. I was eventually woken and taken to the hospital where they suggested I stop dancing immediately. They took x-rays of my body, and told my grandma and dad that because I was forced into dance at such a young age, my bones never had the chance to develop properly. They said my bones were brittle and weak, and “looked like they could snap.”
I never danced a day in my life after that.
A year or so later, I pressed “stream” on MyFreeCams.com for the first time in my life, and was immediately flooded with love in tips notes about how beautiful my body looked. I remember thinking, “Me? Hot? Are they kidding?” That night after I logged off, I felt more confident in my body than I ever had in my life. I remember just staring in the mirror for hours and taking nudes thinking, “Wow! That's what I’ve looked like this whole time? I’m beautiful!”
But things didn't stay that way. About a year-and-a-half ago, I developed serious health problems. I was thrown on 10 medications, and was in so much pain, I could barely move. I spent most of my days lying on the couch, depressed, eating, doing nothing, because there wasn’t much else I could do. In six months, I gained 50 pounds, went from a size 2, to a size 10, a size A bra, to a size D bra, and my thighs and hips were covered in bright red stretch marks that people could not ignore.
I remember I was embarrassed to log on cam. I didn’t want people to see me this way. I was Vera fucking Sky, and I had no confidence. How will they react when they see me like this?
But I needed to work. So I got on cam for the first time, in a long time, I covered my stretch marks with makeup, and logged on. People commented on my body non-stop. But it wasn’t bad … at all. People were worshiping my newfound curves! They couldn’t get enough of it. Not one negative comment.
But it wasn’t just that easy. I couldn’t just start feeling beautiful again, because I felt that I did not look beautiful. Over time, I had to adjust. If I just kept gaining, it wouldn't stop. I couldn't lay in bed forever. I had a business to run.
Things were challenging. Filming and making new content became one of the biggest challenges. I wasn’t used to my new body, so I didn’t know what angles worked for me, how to capture myself the right way, how to edit out or hide cellulite or stretch marks. Filming is one those things that made me accept my body since I had to look at the footage and edit it for hours. The more I filmed, the more I started to think, “Hmmm ... I don’t look that bad,” and I became okay with the way I looked.
To this day, I’m still not totally used to the weight, but I’ve learned to accept it and love it. The most concerning part of my weight gain, was whether or not my fans would still love me and if companies would still want to shoot with me.
Sadly, I experienced my first turn away because of my body size. I had sent in my photos to a well-known company a few months earlier when I was thin, and they immediately jumped on board and wanted to fly me out to L.A. to shoot.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t follow through with the plans at the time because of my health problems, but when I got my health back together, I sent in new photos to the company so they could see what my new body looked like. Unfortunately, the same company that was so eager to shoot with me just three months earlier was now telling me that I no longer fit their look, and politely declined.
I needed that. In that moment, I developed a “fuck it, I’m beautiful” attitude.
Here I am, a year later, twice as many fans, twice as many followers and co-hosting the XBIZ Cam Awards. I’ve learned that real fans love you through thick and thin, through ups and downs. There is always someone that is going to find you beautiful, no matter what your size when you log online. I found so much inspiration and confidence talking to BBW models. They taught me that big is still beautiful, how to work my new look and most importantly, how to accept my body and curves.
Take away all negative connotation to the words “fat, plus size and chubby.” The most important thing I want people to remember is that your beauty, your worth and your value, is not in the size of clothes that you wear. When you learn to love yourself on the inside, then you will learn to love yourself on the outside. Your confidence will shine through on cam and in your work. Me (and my tiger stripes) are here to stay.
