Al Goldstein Announces U.S. Presidential Candidacy

Anne Winter
NEW YORK — Al Goldstein, the former publisher of Screw magazine, has announced his candidacy for the President of the U.S.

Goldstein, who three years ago was homeless, now writes a blog sponsored by adult search engine Booble President Bob Smart will act as Goldstein's campaign manager.

"Al Goldstein is a national treasure," Smart said. "As the world's dirtiest old man, Al has something to say about the world he helped create, and we Americans have a duty to listen."

Goldstein said he figures after having gone to bed with 7,000 women in his career, he's something of an expert at screwing people, which gives him "ideal experience" for the nation's top job.

A self-proclaimed champion of the 1st Amendment — having been arrested 17 times for obscenity — Goldstein said he has a New Yorker's rage at Republican anti-sex, pro-war policies. On the gay marriage issue, he also said he believes homosexuals "should be as miserable as heterosexual people."

Despite his jokes, Goldstein assures skeptics that his candidacy is not a joke.

"I hope to be funny, without being a joke," he said. "My whole life has led me to this moment. I only want to make people smile, and maybe think a little bit before they vote."

Goldstein also said he hopes his candidacy will attract sponsors. Currently running as a democrat, Goldstein may switch to independent because of money issues.

"Without another sponsor," Smart said, "we can't afford to travel Al to the relevant campaign stops ... so we may instead wage an independent campaign, focused on the Internet, radio and the big porn shows, where Al's mostly likely voters will congregate."

Goldstein was once owner of adult studio Milky Way Productions and adult publication Screw magazine but filed for bankruptcy in 2003, leaving roughly $1 million in debt. After moving between homeless shelters and friends' couches, he now lives off of Social Security and recently wrote an autobiography entitled, "I Goldstein."