Jeremy Spencer: Hello, everyone! Looks like I'm flying solo today — I don't know what happened to Vincent. I heard a rumor that he was out drinking late last night and —
Vincent Lambert: I'm here, I'm here! Sorry I'm late. I was working on my website, VincentLambert.com. I had a hot scoop that I was working on and needed to get that tasty little morsel in.
JS: Well, I'm glad you could make some time for me.
VL: Don't be jealous. I'm here now. Tell the readers what we're tackling today.
JS: Today we are giving our opinions on Jet Set Men's "On Fire!" which is directed by former performers Chris Steele and Chad Donovan. The plot revolves around a group of cute newbie firefighters-in-training.
VL: They basically go through a Fireman's Boot Camp, where they learn to put out fires —
JS: And where they play with big hoses!
VL: All those sexy men sliding down poles!
JS: We could do this all day, folks.
VL: Jet Set Men has really raised its profile in a major way in the past year.
JS: Thanks, I think, in large part to the hiring of Chris and Chad.
VL: I couldn't agree more. Performers-turned-directors are able to see things much differently than the average director. Having that on-screen experience really allows them to know what to shoot.
JS: And what is hot.
VL: Speaking of hot, they had buildings on fire in this movie. And a real fire truck!
JS: I wonder how much one of those would cost to rent?
VL: Why? Are you dressing up as a fireman again for Halloween?
JS: No, but I could catch a few hot firefighters with it, I'll bet.
VL: Well, if they are anything like the firefighters in this movie, I don't think you'd have any trouble. It's peppered with some hot men. Jet Set exclusives Sebastian Young, Aaron James and your future ex-boyfriend Jesse Santana are in the mix, as well as my imaginary boyfriend Dean Phoenix, who plays the fire captain.
JS: You don't see many fire captains who look like him. If that were the case, I'd be setting my house on fire, like, every other day.
VL: Well, then, renting a fire engine would come in handy.
JS: That's true.
VL: But to be honest, Spence, Dean has got me feeling old this month. In the movie, he plays the daddy figure to Jesse's nubile twink. I remember, back in the day when Dean would be playing the younger part himself.
JS: We all get older, Vince. At least he still looks good.
VL: He'll always look good to me.
JS: Let's get to the sex scenes, shall we?
VL: Well, after a nice opening in which the guys are in training, acting all macho and stuff, getting dirty and sweaty, they head back to the firehouse, where there's only one thing to do: shower! This scene starts as a nice low-key shower jack and ends up being a fierce five-way. Guy Parker and Max Schutler get things going. Hey, isn't Guy the real-life boyfriend of Jesse Santana?
JS: Yes, the lucky bitch.
VL: Anyway, Guy and Max are showering with Nathan Sommers and Aaron James — who just might be the whitest model I've ever seen —
JS: I thought he was hot.
VL: — and then fire chief C.J. Madison comes in and the scene really takes off. Overall, there's a lot of good action here, and I liked the scene, but I think it could have been shorter and tighter.
JS: Like your men.
VL: The second scene starts with Jonathan Lowe washing the fire truck. Superior Jason Reddick gets playful and starts squirting him with a hose. The videography is nice here — and the guys actually find a way to suck and fuck on the rear bumper of the truck.
JS: That's talent. Jonathan is really cute — I want to know where he's been hiding.
VL: The guy has some major nuts on him!
JS: Exactly. I know some squirrels that would be very jealous.
VL: You know squirrels?
JS: I actually liked this scene — you could tell that Jason was having a little trouble in the beginning but once he relaxed, I thought the scene worked.
VL: The third scene has cadet Braxton Bond getting worked over by big-dicked Jeremy Hall and Sebastian Young.
JS: It starts out with Braxton on his bunk sleeping. Enter Jeremy and Sebastian, who throw a sheet around him and, in essence, tie him to the bed. They roughly force themselves on him but we all know Braxton's going to join in and have a delightful time — at one point, he even takes both dicks up his butt.
VL: Talk about talent. I love how Young bites the pillow in ecstasy while he's getting rimmed. That was hot.
JS: Which brings us to our final scene, which just happens to feature both of our current stalking victims Dean and Jesse — is 'stalking victims' the right choice of words, Vince?
VL: 'Number One Fans' works better.
JS: You're right — less chance of a restraining order this way.
VL: Wait — you're getting ahead of yourself, Spence. You have to give them the set-up.
JS: Sorry, I'm excited.
VL: Okay, somehow, all these horny firefighters have had time to study and they all pass their exams with flying colors. They're firemen now!
VL: But there's a call on the radio — there's a fire!
JS: Oh no! [I have an interesting tidbit for the in-crowd. Listen carefully to the address used for the location of the fire. That address is actually Falcon Studios — where Chris and Chad used to work.]
VL: Should we read something into that?
JS: I think we should get to the last scene and avoid a lawsuit.
VL: OK — so there's this fire and the guys all head there. In a scene that has some nice special fire effects, Jesse is injured and Dean carries him out to safety.
JS: Throughout the movie, Jesse has been shooting puppy dog eyes at Dean and the captain, naturally, is smitten. At one point early in the film he yells at Jesse but Jesse just flashes his little pouty face and Dean goes all stupid.
VL: And you wouldn't?
JS: Please, I was just talking about setting my house on fire to meet a guy, what do you think?
VL: Anyway, after Dean rescues little damsel-in-distress Jesse, they head back to the firehouse, where Dean applies bandages and nurses Jesse back to health. Or at least back to good enough shape so he can have sex.
JS: The scene starts with some tender kissing and romance — something Dean does very well — and then Jesse heads south to profess his 'love' to Dean… but Dean never reciprocates. What's up with that? I thought these two were 'in love?'
VL: And there's no rimming — like the other scenes — soon, Jesse is bouncing up and down on Dean's dick. And he's wearing this head bandage that I just couldn't get past. He looked like Olivia Newton-John in the '80s.
JS: I think Jesse pulled it off nicely.
VL: But he also was so badly injured, I kept thinking: "Is this really helping his injuries?"
JS: But let's face it, Vince — no one looks prettier than Jesse when he's hopping up and down on a dick, full erection pointed skyward….
VL: …Well, I think we've lost Spence. He's just sitting here with that weird, dreamy look on his face, so I'll wrap this one up. Overall, this is a classy production. Sure, the opening credits when the names catch on fire is kind of cheesy —
JS: I really liked those!
VL: — but I think viewers will enjoy this movie. Oh, and there is a hysterical behind-the-scenes bit from Guy Parker in the DVD extras where they tell him to butch it up for one line of dialogue in the action sequence. And it sure is fun to see all these old porn stars working behind the camera.
JS: See? We're not the only ones getting older.
VL: Well, considering the hotness of the cast — and the hotness of the crew (including directors Chad and Chris, Playgirl model Adam Killian and former model Chris Green), this is one Jet Set Men production that is seriously "On Fire!"