opinion

Everybody Squirts Sometime

Gram Ponante

What is squirting? Is it female orgasm or is it like expressing the glands of a cat? Is it a mechanical process devoid of love and affection (like affiliate programs) or is it something richer and more meaningful?

A wonderful image from my storied past came to mind as I drove through Northridge to the set of Elegant Angel's Squirtwoman 3: Chicago in the mid-1990's and a strange, third substance pooling on a dorm room floor. "Don't look so proud of yourself, Gram," she said.

"The first time I squirted," Squirtwoman 3's Cytherea told me, "I thought I had an uncontrollable bladder." In fact Cytherea, who moved from Salt Lake City to join our industry, didn't know squirting was any big deal until her first porn shoot, when people started fussing over her arcs and spirals. "I do have big glands," she said.

The story of Squirtwoman 3 is the story of America. The story of Squirtwoman 3 is that Cytherea is a porn producer and Lee Stone is her assistant. Then other things happen. One of those things involved shooting a scene with Stone in which he flipped her this way and that.

You have seen Lee Stone in every porn movie you say you don't watch. He looks like a tougher, more charming Frank Stallone. In fact, I think if Lee Stone were in Barfly, the movie might've ended better.

"I like doing gonzos better than features," Stone said. Stone is the director of the Getting Stoned series and has appeared in about a thousand movies, including Al Borda's Girls Who Like it in the Doo-Doo Hole.

"I once waited around on set for 26 hours," Stone said. "With gonzos you can shoot a couple of scenes a day and get paid for each scene. With a feature, you wait."

The cast and crew wait for Cytherea to get out of makeup. It's a nice night on a quiet street in a secluded Valley yard. "The neighbors don't mind when we shoot outside," the owner, who happens to work at AIM Healthcare, said.

Evil Angel owner Patrick Collins is directing tonight's scene, and we chatted about how laid back and pleasant things seemed, considering how it has been reported his company has been sold.

"I hope I'm making a lot of money," he said.

Tiana is EA's contract performer as well as its production manager. She is scheduled for an all-girl scene tomorrow, but for now is getting NASA-style drinks for guests.

"Somebody called me up and told me the company was being sold," she said. "They saw it on some site. I called Patrick and asked him if I was out of a job."

"Just checking," Lee Stone said to Collins, "you are paying me for this, right?"

"One of the art guys told me that he'd gotten an offer for another job (in the wake of the bogus report)," Tiana said. "I almost started crying."

"How come everybody else got a job offer out of this instead of me?" Collins said.

"Once you start reading (those gossip sites)," Collins said, "they own you." AVN president Paul Fishbein told me something similar. "I don't read any of the other sites," he said, "unless they scoop me, and then I yell at people."

I asked Kaden, the young photographer shooting stills for the evening's scene, how one captures a squirt on film.

Collins thought I was wondering how one gets a squirt out of a young lady.

"Well, you see," he said, holding his hands in front of him, thumbs upraised like Fonzie, "everybody's different. It's a technique that - "

"No, I meant Do you use a higher-speed film?" I interrupted, hastening to prove that I knew my way around so-called female ejaculation.

The room where the office scene is to be shot is small, so only the camera guys, Cytherea and Stone fit inside. Collina, Tiana and I stood at the door. Stone had cut himself shaving and the makeup lady, a woman who knew Bobby Fuller back in El Paso ("I don't think he killed himself," she said. "I don't think Savannah or Rex Cabo killed themselves, either," I said), suggested a teabag.

"Not now, but maybe later," one of the camera guys said.

"The tannic acid helps it heal," she persevered. While people searched for a teabag, Stone mentioned an alternative.

"Can I wear a band-aid?" he asked Collins.

"It's not that kind of movie," Collins said.

"What about a nice Disney band-aid?" Stone persisted.

"Actually: definitely not," Collins replied.

Tannic acid, which is used to tan leather, is not the same as tea tannins, which could be employed to heal Lee Stone. As you can clearly see from their formulae (acidum tannicum: C14 H10 O9; tea tannin: C20 H20 O9), they are, like, so not the same. The scene proceeded regardless.

Cytherea weighs about as much as a tax return envelope while Stone would be great as porn's version of The Thing from The Fantastic Four, hence his porn name. He's a big guy, and he proceeded to flip Cytherea into an effortless standing 69. In the 30 minutes I watched the scene, she squirted about three times and drank a lot of water to squirt more.

I was out in the kitchen drinking a Red Bull with Kaden when the dialogue was happening, so I didn't hear how the narrative unfolded. "I had about six pages I had to learn," Stone said.

Echoing porn girls everywhere, Cytherea said, "You have to stay hydrated." Then she added, "I just want to suck, fuck, run amok, and get paid." On top of this she said, "I do have big glands."

There is a chance that Cytherea is insane.

It was Friday, May 20. Elsewhere in the Valley, scenes were being shot in rented mansions overseen by weasely landlords, intimate solo scenes and blowjobs as well as gang bangs and bukkakes were filmed in private studios from North Hollywood to Chatsworth, industrial spaces in downtown L.A. and, apparently, right in the middle of the road in Budapest and Prague. People like me got back in their cars, stopped by the 7-11 around the corner, marvelled at how nice the evening was, grabbed a beer and drank it on the way home.

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