First and foremost, we only publish positive reviews. Believing in the old "If you don't have something nice to say…" adage, we only take the time to write about products that we find unique, good quality and worthy of including in our own bedside fun box.
Certainly, some things we'll like more than others to varying degrees, but there's no room for negativity and you'll never read any sort of product- or manufacturer-bashing in this column.
Second, we will attempt to be as objective as possible in our selections. Just because you advertise heavily in XBIZ does not guarantee you'll get positive prose, or be jumped ahead of someone else who's taken the time to send us something. We evaluate products as they come in.
Finally, though we pretty much have sex every day due to this job (oh, the hardship!), this doesn't mean we always reach for the nearest vibrator or newest lube in our arsenal. Toys are great, but we still enjoy some good old-fashioned heavy petting and snuggling naked under the sheets, meaning we may not be able to get to everything as promptly as you like. That said, we will make every effort to move your item into position to do some pleasure-pushing in as timely a manner as possible.
And with that, here are our latest goodies.
SLIQUID RIDE PERSONAL LUBRICANT
SALES CONTACT: (800) 368-7268, INFO@ENTRENUE.COM
He Says: Since we don't use lubes regularly (I prefer to let my tongue do the lube-ing, so to speak), I was a tad apprehensive about our first foray into silicone lubrication. Sliquid Ride is pretty much the same formula as their popular Silver line, but repackaged to appeal to the masculine market. As with other Sliquid products, Ride delivered where it counted, keeping things slick and moving whether under the sheets or under the water. It only takes a small dab to do the trick, so one bottle will probably last us years and for those anal excursions Ride will certainly be that and more. The only drawback is that, as with any silicone lubricant, it shouldn't be ingested, so best to get your oral play in prior to applying Ride. 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
She Says: My, you sure do have a high opinion of that tongue of yours, don't you! And though I can't entirely disagree with your cunnilingus skill set, a bit of lube certainly never hurts. Ride is amazingly slick and, from what we understand from the manufacturer, the additional cyclopenthasiloxane in its blend gives a "silkier" feel and texture than its competitors. The bottle design isn't too shabby either, and I am looking very forward to a bit of anal play (I'll let you guess which one of us will be the recipient). Finally, beware of your sheets when using silicone lubricants as it stains easily. 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
SALES CONTACT: SALES@BONKUM.COM
He Says: I saw the Bonk'er demonstrated at AEE a year ago but, unfortunately, couldn't get close enough to get any information (the demonstration consisted of hot babes simulating sex on it, which drew a huge throng of observers). Imagine my surprise to get an email from the owner, Jordan Dawes, asking if we'd like to take a ride and give him some feedback. Setup was a breeze and we were "bonking" our tails off for the rest of the evening. Breakdown and storage was just as simple, and the Bonk'er can be stored easily in the closet or under the bed, leaving the bases in place for whenever the mood strikes. I grant the Bonk'er 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
She Says: Since we absolutely love our Love Swing, we were intrigued when this item showed up on our doorstep. My hubby is always complaining about having to climb up to install our swing, so this set of heartshaped arms looked easier to install and offered more position possibilities. Within minutes, we had the base between our mattresses, the arms in place, and were swinging around with recklessly fun abandon. This is a killer device and I particularly loved the array of oral arrangements it offered. Also, I'm barely five feet tall, with him topping 6 feet 2 inches, so it was a bonus that the Bonk'er could be adjusted easily by adding or subtracting clips to compensate for the height difference. I give this 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS!
SALES CONTACT: STACI, STACI@BIGTEAZETOYS.COM
He Says: OK, I'm torn beyond belief on this product (essentially a vibrating ball about the size of a baseball). Why? Because I thought of it first – wah!? Truthfully, though, I couldn't be more pleased that Big Teaze took a cue from The Cone and released this versatile shape. The ball vibrates from a soft purr up to hard-to-hold, hand numbing goodness for the shy and power-queens among us. And since I'm a huge fan of massage, I love taking the Toyu and rolling it across my wife's back (and everywhere else) while she's on the massage table. I just wish it were slightly larger, but this is a minor quibble. 4 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS.
She Says: The first thought I had when I got my hands on the Toyu was, "This came from Big Teaze? The same company who makes the vibrating duckies?" Packaged in a lovely box, the Toyu captured my fancy immediately. The ball is perfectly sized for massage and fits into my pleasure places easily and comfortably, with controls that are logical and located just right. I remember my husband wishing someone would come out with a product like this and Big Teaze has produced a definite winner on all counts. Bonus: Most toys are iffy for Christmas gifts, but the Toyu ranks high on my female "giveability" scale, due to its generic shape, beautiful design and lovely packaging. 5 OUT OF 5 ORGASMS!
A "BIT" SPECIAL MENTION
SALES CONTACT: ALICE BECKETT, ALICE@ SPARTACUSLEATHERS.COM
We Say: Bit gags are always nice to have around, so when mild BDSM play makes its way into our schedule, we love the new Spartacus Silicone Bit Gag. Featuring an unlined leather strap (we just love the scent of leather), nickel-plated steel hardware and a strong buckle, this is the perfect antidote for a gabby spouse/partner. It's much more comfortable than a ball gag as well, making it a regular addition to our evergrowing collection of painful pleasures.
For more Freddy and Eddy, visit FreddyandEddy.com or check out their couples-friendly retail store at 12613 Venice Blvd. in Los Angeles. To contact them, email firstname.lastname@example.org.