opinion

When in Portland: Masturbate

Gram Ponante
Portland (Oregon - stuff like this never happens in Maine) treasure Darklady is holding her fourth annual Masturbate-a-thon. I am always put slightly off-kilter when people try to convince me that sex is wholesome and good for me, like at swingers' parties in Orange County or at Carl's Jr., but that spunky Darklady helps me to disabuse myself of the notion that sex can only be fun if it is a direct antecedent of my death.

I have never been to Portland but I can only imagine it is full of patchoulli-reeking free spirits running through the street with toe rings, masturbating at each other. It could be worse, believe me. Has anyone ever been to Bridgeport, Connecticut?

Anyway, attendees of the May 14 event are encouraged to affix favorite "masturbation words or phrases" on the "Wall of Masturbation."

Since I can't go (my powers ebb when I cross the Santa Susanas), here are some of my favorite masturbation words and phrases:

mousepad lariat metric screws neutrino Jagermeister Imbruglia Supertramp's Grammy hopes mortal sin

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