opinion

Hirsch's Heavies heave haunches heavenward

Gram Ponante
Vivid is debuting a label featuring women with hips, and the shooting started last week.

"I want to emphasize that it's not BBWs," said director Shailar Cobi, "and it's not fat. It's women with a little extra. This movie is called Heavy Partying."

"So big breasts, big asses, that sort of thing?" I asked.

"Yes, but not big heads," Cobi said. "That's a different niche."

Vivid is Vivid, so it is concerned with how this label will perceived. Vivid-steve director Eon McKai called me prior to the shoot.

"Shailar emphasizes that it's not BBWs and it's not fat," he said.

"I understand," I said. "That sounds fun."

"And, you know, if you write about it, maybe a woman will write about it, too."

I have heard this sentiment before. Porn has more cachet if arch women with cat's eye glasses grant their imprimaturs to it. It is just one of the many ways men's opinions are devalued in the Amerikan matriarchy. Male performers work harder for less pay, and often their faces aren't even shown. One day the revolution will come.

I asked Cobi what the label would be called, and he has decided on Vivid Plus. He said that it can also feature "guys with big dicks". I don't think it will expand to fat guys. I did have some alternate suggestions, lest the focus groups Vivid hires nixed the idea.

Vivid LUSH

Vivid Zaftig

Vivid Juicy

Baby Got Vivid

Vivid Trunk

Ba DonkaVivid

Vivid Rubenesque

Vivid Morbidly Obese

Vivid Thick

Vivid Increased Risk of Congestive Heart Failure

Vivid Hips

Vivid Curves

Vivid Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil

Vivid Roomy

Silence of the Vivid

Vivid Malt

Vivid Weight

Vivid Gram

Hirsch's Heavies

The premise of the movie was that a bunch of women got together for a bachelorette party in a house in Woodland Hills ("because heavier girls hang out with each other," Cobi noted). I was introduced to Ms. Panther, who was washing her car in a thong. She shook my hand and I felt her long fingernails.

I attempted to communicate with her in the cat language we share.

"Meowrr, Ms. Panther," I said. "Meowrr."

She stared at me blankly.

"Kitty is pensive," I observed.

Porn veteran Van Damage was there, playing a cop. A police car was rented for $400, and a cop uniform was rented from Jack Lawrence. In fact, Lawrence's nametag appears on the uniform in the movie. Damage sat behind Cobi and offered advice to the younger dude servicing Ms. Panther.

"He needs to have his pants down more."

It was about 95 degrees out, and I wondered about the performers bursting into flame in the sun. I asked Damage what was the worst injury he had ever received on set.

"I was getting a blowjob from Gia Paloma - "

"YEAH!" I interrupted, attempting to high five him. "WHOO!"

" - and another guy, this new guy, was fucking her from behind - "

"Wait," I interrupted. "From behind you or from behind her?"

"Just let me finish. From behind her. So you know how Gia really goes down on you with that noise?"

"YEAH! WHOO!"

"This guy is fucking her and he grabs her head, and I knew a split second before something bad was going to happen. She shaved off about an inch of skin with her top teeth. It was brutal.

"They'd filmed enough of the scene so that I could do a pop on her face, but under pressure. I didn't feel right for a few days after that."

Damage couldn't remember the new guy's name. It sounded like he was trying to jerk off Van with Gia's face.

"Bright red blood," Damage concluded.

Abby Brooks had shot her first Boy/Girl scene the day before. She seemed unfazed. "Well, I have done it in my private life," she admitted.

Also in the cast were Carmella Bing and April MacKenzie, who played ripped-from-the-headlines lawbreakers who get out of a ticket by servicing the Law. This happens across Southern California. It's why DMV lines are shorter here.

Because I, like Optimus Prime, am large, I applaud the appearance of a line featuring larger women, even though I never considered Carmella Bing large; I have only considered her important to our national well-being. I also wondered what kind of world it would be in which Amber Peach and Ms. Panther were at the same bachelorette party.

Regardless, I think it is a good thing, this Vivid Plus, even if no woman has written about it.

I did not know that Vivid is also launching other labels, including Vivid Celeb, which will cater to the regrettable celebrity sex tape market, and Vivid HA, a comedy label under which Stood Up was released. There are no plans for Vivid Decepticon, featuring machines that turn into women.

Eon McKai posted a PG-13 version of the poolside orgy here.

View the gallery here.

Previously: The scales of horror; Vivid's imprint-o-rama; Is the feature dead?; The Famous vagina of Amber Peach

See also: Vivid

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