opinion

Sexualizing history

Gram Ponante
We all know that the myth of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree concerned our fledgling country's castration anxiety, and who can forget what the opening of the Erie Canal was really about? Am I right? Huh? Ladies? I thought so.

So today, the 232nd anniversary of the Battle of Concord and Lexington, let's make a deep reading of the first famous lines from Emerson's "Concord Hymn", which is clearly an account of a Minuteman gangbang:

By the rude bridge that arched the flood

What is the "rude bridge" but the yearning pelvis of a bukkake object? I could cite numerous references throughout our nation's short history to support this, but doubtless you've already heard them. It is sad that our country's early patriots held women in such low esteem as to call their parts rude, but if it makes you feel any better all those dudes had dysentery anyway.

"The flood", of course, is vaginal juices. We think today's obsession with "squirting" is new, when in fact, like churning butter, it is an ancient skill just now finding its way back to popularity. Those Colonial goodwives ejaculated like crazy, because most of them were witches.

Their flag to April's breeze unfurled

It has been a popular historical myth recently that Abraham Lincoln was gay, when in fact men of that time, because the sexes did not enjoy the companionate and intellectual intimacies they do today, were merely closer than they are now. Further, men often shared the same bed while traveling. Therefore the "flag" is a reference to the collective, free-balling nature of a bunch of amiable men who decided that Spring had come early enough for them to drop their pants and "unfurl" after a long winter. It can't mean anything other than that.

Here once the embattled farmers stood

Dozens of archaic early American words and phrases survive, such as "lock, stock, and barrel", "potluck", and "half-cocked", whereas one's "embattled farmer", better known as a penis, has given way to "Gram-hammer". Anyone who has seen the American Bukkake series is familiar with the tableau of a bunch of guys standing around with their embattled farmers in their hands, trying to keeep them standing while the female talent finishes crying.

And fired the shot heard 'round the world

Peter North, who took his name from Concord's Old North Bridge, delivered in his prime loads that could be heard splattering on his scene partners' chests. Some would bruise. The "shot heard 'round the world" is undoubtedly a reference to a particularly decisive Minuteman popshot.

The poem goes on, with references to "streams" both gentle and dark, as well as yet more shafts, but you get the idea.

Check back again when we discuss Johnny Appleseed. That guy was sick.

Previously: A Brief and non-hysterical history of the .XXX domain; Celebrating Black History Month the only way Porn knows how; Scenes from the class struggle in Playboy's Penthouse

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