opinion

Concentric circle jerks of porn profits

Gram Ponante
The next-most-useless thing to the inflated revenue declared by Big Porn is people blogging about it.

The thesis statement of Boing Boing's story about how the adult industry couldn't possibly make $13 billion a year is that the organization offering that number, AVN, is the only source people go to for verification of that number.

Among a group that includes Lurk Ford and the Original Violet Blue, Boing Boing editor Xeni Jardin cites Tony Comstock, who says, "Look at any porn video and it’s easy to see the producers didn’t spend a lot of time or money on it." Clearly, he has not seen Gram Ponante's Nutfeast, still the best-selling adult movie of all time, and the only porn movie with a camel race in it.

That is why I have commissioned my own study. Taking into account revenues generated by video stores, the Internet, hookers, escorts, call girls, hoz, hotels, United Airlines (a bunch of whores if you ask me), MySpace, the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog, the Delia's summer catalog, prostitutes, Verizon (ditto United Airlines), Gram Ponante: Porn Valley Observed, and NASA, whose Space Shuttle is equipped with technology that can see people naked, the adult industry makes exactly $998 billion a year.

That's right: Nine Hundred and Ninety-Eight billion dollars a year.

This is a solid number and I am available for quotes.

Furthermore, in 2006 alone (figures were made available, like, 20 minutes ago), the adult industry was responsible for 10 of the 14 warmest summers in the past decade, the five highest-grossing concerts, took Blu-Ray-compatible footage of Saddam Huseein's hanging, killed Gerald Ford and poisoned that Russian guy (the adult industry isn't good with names), gave back the Lindbergh Baby, kept on rockin' in the free world, had more #1 hits than Elvis or the Beatles, wrote that fat girl book by Wally Lamb, and served 150 lunches to homeless veterans.

It's just that legitimate.

I want people to stop marvelling about how much or how little the porn industry makes. I want them to stop debunking figures based on their lack of a share of those perceived revenues. I want people to stop telling me to do the math; it presupposes a world in which adult trade publications are taken seriously and I don't want to live in that world. It hurts my head.

Previously: Perceived money; Adult industry writers wait for check

See also: Boing Boing

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