opinion

Nine falls on the Cold Valley

Gram Ponante
As Master Yoda said, "Always three there are: Memphis Monroe and the other two."

Hustler has announced the arrival of Nikki Nine to planet Earth, and a Hustler contract.

Apparently she has not been in a movie or posed for a magazine before. She is also allegedly 18.

Allegedly 18 is going to be my Barely Legal ripoff when I start my own company. Everyone rips off Barely Legal. My first Allegedly 18 will feature Michelle Aston, Tyler Faith, Lisa Sparxxx, and Dana DeArmond. I will just have them text each other all day and insert emoticons into each other.

When I have my weekly summits with the people who control the world's pornography, the complaint I most often hear about contract girls is to a lesser degree the same one I hear about adult actresses in general: they do not have a solid work ethic (people immediately begin chiming in with numerous exceptions to this theory).

As a lack of motivation has been the concern about certain previous Hustler contract girls, though, what is the reasoning behind giving someone with no experience a contract?

Anyway, Nine replaces Shy Love, who was allowed to break her contract, and joins Mya Luanna and Memphis Monroe. Hustler is very excited about Nine and has great expectations for her, including her ability to effect climate change in Southern California. A press release posits a world in which Nine is so hot that the temperature drops everywhere else, to the point that one can view one's own exhalations.

"Nikki Nine is the breath of fresh air the industry hasn't seen in a long while," it says.

(picture courtesy Adam Carolla)

Previously: Belladonna in a haystack; Of Mice and Mya Luanna; Derby Day for Memphis Monroe

See also: Nine is not this Rochester burlesque vixen

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