opinion

What's the Fuhrer About?

Tom Hymes
Excuse my ignorance, but what is the problem? So what if a car full of federal agents might pull up in front of your home and demand entrance to go through your 2257 records? What makes you so special that you are immune to a little inspection from time to time? What do you have to hide, huh?

I think it is clear that those of you who hesitated answering that last question have a lot of explaining to do, and I think I speak for everyone in the adult entertainment industry when I say that we all hope you are next on the inspection list. I say that not out of anger because some of you ripped off my content last year or stole my design or tried to fuck my wife at the last trade show, but out of love and a sense of community and camaraderie with each and every one of you. How many times have we partied the night away? How many times have we done great business in the pool or jammed up against some bitches at a club or stood in line for hours waiting to get into that club, drinking and drunk but still doing business, baby? It's all water under the bridge now. Ain't nothing personal. Once again, I speak for everyone in saying that we simply cannot afford to have the feds miffed about improper labeling or record-keeping.

OK, so let's back up a step and look at this thing from a distance. Too many trees, need some forest. I think that after 12 years or so of living with 2257, we might want to move past the "sky is falling" phase to embrace a more mature outlook. I mean, isn't it time to shit or get off the pot? What if you had HIV for 12 years? Would you really still be kicking and screaming about government indifference after all this time? Why do that to yourself, your family, your business partners and casual acquaintances? Wouldn't it make a lot more sense to accept the reality of the situation and go on with your...

Or let's take the war on terror as a metaphor (or would that be simile?) — the War on Improper 2257 Documentation. They really share a lot in common, sort of like soup and sandwiches, but don't let that analogy (or would that be a metaphor?) confuse you. Too many people are confused about too much. This is very simple. There are good guys and bad guys. Bad guys are people who have their phone calls or email secretly recorded or their homes or businesses (or records) inspected, for whatever reason. Good guys don't let that happen to them. See how simple it is? That's all you need to know.

So which are you? Here is where you could make the mistake of thinking too much. Don't! Are you with your government or against it? That's all you have to answer! And don't think about lying by pretending to be a good guy when you know all your docs are not in a row. The crafty 2257 crafters have set traps to catch you.

Or look at it this way. If a fed knew that a 30-year-old had been shot in an explicit video and that his/her 2257 records were at that moment being improperly kept, and the fed also knew that the clock was ticking — are you telling me that a little webmaster water-boarding would not be in order?

CAUTION: Answer before you think.

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