opinion

Your panic room

Gram Ponante
It is understood that one's 2257 documentation should be in easy proximity to one's main place of business but separate from all the other offices. The reason for the latter is that unrelated articles, records, and equipment can't be confiscated along with records pertinent to the search of a local, state, or federal entity.

In light of the recent spate of "friendly" FBI raids on Diabolic Video, Robert Hill Releasing, and other companies, I contacted heads of several adult studios and asked them where they keep their records. All chose to speak anonymously.

"In keeping with our sex-positive and couples-friendly philosophy," one owner said, "our 2257 room is accessed in a very vaginal fashion. The doors open out rather than in, and will only part once the overhead lock is stimulated for 20 minutes following the retraction of its protective hood."

"We did away with keys after the last raid," said another. "Instead, an agent would have to be able to piss directly into the keyhole in order for the door to open."

"Documentation is a cage," reported a Buddhist purveyor of primarily Asian titles.

Having spent a lot of money keeping records air-tight, backed up, and acid-free, many companies have chosen to go the extra mile and make their 2257 rooms feng shui compliant as well.

"I have a lotus pond in my 2257 room," I was told by one particularly wealthy owner. "I've converted everyone's ID picture to interactive holograms, too, so the FBI can question the image directly, like in Star Wars."

"We change the theme of our room each year," a publicist said. "Right now it's called Circle of Life. We have the producers and secondary producers, we include the consumers in the form of sperm samples and raincoats, and we even have the decomposers, which is mostly content from Germany and Brazil."

Naturally we all want this ordeal to pass, but until it does, follow the advice of one multi-award-winning producer and "donate a lot of money to the Republican party."

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