opinion

Carmen Luvana, smeared with cocaine, getting serviced on a pile of cash

Gram Ponante
... or, "Tonight is kinda special".

I visited the set of Adam & Eve's Lady Scarface recently, in which Carmen Luvana plays bloodthirsty, cockhungry drug lord Toni Luvana.

Director Daniel Dakota feels that someone like Luvana with such heavy weaponry should at least also have firearms, so Lady Scarface is the second of his recent movies to feature Carmen packing heat. The first was Jane Blond: Agent DD7.

Dakota secured Hollywood armourers to stock this movie, which also features Ava Rose as the maniac sidekick/love interest ("We combined Michelle Pfeiffer's character with Manny's character for sex purposes," noted Dakota. "Oh. For sex purposes," I said), with guns.

"Even the props are expensive," Dakota said.

The location in Encino, a mansion with marble walkways and heavy doors down a long, secluded driveway, was actually the second choice. A porn production at the first place had neglected to secure a filming permit, and the cops had chosen that day to visit and shut down both the production and the location.

"We were able to get this place in a day," Dakota said.

Crime boss Luvana was being serviced by underling Jerry atop a table laden with bags of cocaine and littered with 100s and 50s. There was even a money-counting machine.

"Money-counting machines are expensive," Dakota said, "so you know that anyone who has one probably has a lot of money."

I realized we were talking a lot about money. Is that all there is?? I thought.

No. There was also drugs. I asked several people what the contents of the coke bags were. Each person was coy. I knew that it wasn't real cocaine for two reasons:

1. Carmen had it all over her nipples and even girlier parts. If it had been real cocaine, she would have even fucked me, despite my longstanding credo of not showing off.

2. No porn publicist within fifty miles would have allowed a single grain of coke to hit the floor.

Finally I utilized my overlong pinky nail and snorted a measurement equal to my first name. It was powdered sugar.

"Chinga mi! Punetta!" Luvana cried on the table. Because I am Castilian, I knew that to mean "Fuck me! Oh, Fuck!" I'm glad she didn't say it in English.

Afterward, we ate orange-flavored chicken on the thousand-degree veranda, she in her towel, and I in my cap. She would later be shot fifteen times and fall in the pool, but I can't stand violence and needed to leave. In fact, on a recent visit to Tijuana, I opted to eat bags of churros rather than purchase any of the thousands of forms of Scarface memorabilia available on the side of the road.

It is whispered that Adam & Eve's big AVN award pushes will be Nick Orleans' airplane porn Tailgunners and Ernest Greene's fetishy O, based on "The Story of O". Lady Scarface will be launched in time for the 2007 awards.

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