opinion

Ron Jeremy's Unified Field Theory

Gram Ponante
If you meet me on the street, I will invariably say this to you, because it's my "thing":

Cooling rapidly through a phase transition leaves behind so-called topological defects, such as the "knots" in this liquid crystal that has been cooled into a colorful phase. The Universe also cooled rapidly, and experiments with a superconductor support a theory of topological defect formation in the cosmos.

A reader writes:

Grams,

I am a 53-year old English PhD physicist born of Jewish parents in London, England. I presently live in England with my second wife and two children. Regrettably, I bear a far too remarkable resemblance to Ron Jeremy. The more famous he becomes in the UK, the more I am the victim of complete strangers pointing at me in the street and shouting out his name. In addition to having almost identical facial characteristics, I am also just about the same age, height and weight.

As a result, I have an unusual perspective on what "Being Ron Jeremy" (the title of his recent movie) feels like. To give you some idea, I refer to an extract from a magazine article on Being Ron Jeremy: "The man is a slovenly, hairy, disgusting man..."

There is little point in my sending you photos to prove my claim , although I am willing to do so if you want them, because the likeness is sadly so close that unless you take my e-mail at face value it will simply look to you as if I have merely sent you genuine photos of Jeremy from the web.

If you think you or your pals in the media can make something of my being Jeremy's "doppelganger", by all means contact me. I could certainly do with the distraction and some extra income.

L.

I respond:

Dear L,

Unless you want to make 300 quid performing ALONGSIDE Jeremy, I cannot think of any venture that would supplement your income. My advice to anyone has always been to stick to physics. In this case it actually applies.

I admit that I might also be the wrong person to ask, as I have yet to make any money off my striking resemblance to the prophet Mohammed.

I cannot imagine Ron Jeremy saying, "Regrettably, I resemble a British Physics Ph.D. Do you think I could cash in on that?"

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