Gazing Into the Crystal Ball

Q. Boyer

As I write this, it is mid-December, 2012; if the “2012 Doomsday Is Coming”‘ crowd is correct,then you will never read this column.

For the moment, however, I’m going to assume that The Apocalypse has again been delayed (as it seems to be every time we reach a date on which it is supposed to happen) and that even if the world has been largely overrun by zombies and/or hostile extraterrestrials, the January issue of XBIZ has managed to reach you somehow, anyway.

It’s going to be a wild year in the adult industry — and here is just a small sampling of the events you can expect to transpire!

The eve of a major prophecy proving untrue seems like an ideal time to make some predictions concerning the adult industry for 2013. Hopefully, the positive predictions below will prove more prescient than the 2012 Apocalypse forecast, while the negative ones join the assorted foretelling of The Amazing Criswell (who pegged the last day of humankind as Aug. 18, 1999).

Even though you aren’t paying $2.99 a minute for this information, I feel compelled to include the following disclaimer: The predictions below are for entertainment purposes only, and some are not to be taken seriously whatsoever.

OK, then ... with no further ado, here are some things you can expect to happen in 2013.

Manwin Will Get a New Mysterious Managing Partner:

In light of continuing legal problems facing the previous holder of the position, Manwin will find itself in need of a new managing partner. The new executive will be a long term industry veteran of a respected adult company (perhaps Hustler or Vivid), who will arrive unannounced, possibly even unaware that he has been transported to Canada, having been clandestinely relocated (or “uploaded”) by a dedicated, but thoroughly anonymous, tube site user.

Veteran Photographer Paul Markham Will Go On an Acquisitions Spree:

In attempt to pick up the slack in the market trailing from the reeling Manwin Empire, photographer extraordinaire and visionary entrepreneur Paul Markham will rapidly acquire as many adult properties as he can, culminating in a hostile takeover of whichever adult entertainment company’s offices provide the best employee-to-bathroom ratio.

The So-called Copyright Troll Litigation Model Will Slow Down and Possibly Die:

Adult entertainment studios suing torrent users will continue to encounter adverse rulings in court, litigation costs will continue to mount, and most studios currently filing suit against John Doe defendants en masse will sour on this approach to copyright litigation. At least one industry attorney (one totally not named “Marc”) will blame the decline of the Troll model on “certain unethical and imbecilic fucktards” among his peers in the legal community.

Barrack Obama’s Secret Porn Past Will Come to Light:

After an exhaustive investigation, Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio will announce that he has uncovered incontrovertible and irrefutable evidence that President Obama once had a promising porn career as a performer working under the moniker “Darc Choqulate.” Steven Hirsch will subsequently offer Obama a role in an upcoming Vivid release.

Mike South Will Be Named the New Executive Director of the FSC:

In a stunning coup d’etat, adult industry gossipmonger Mike South will take the helm as executive director of the Free Speech Coalition. In response to this shocking development, South will immediately take to his blog and denounce the unanticipated maneuver as a blatant, fundamentally dishonest and morally bankrupt attempt to manipulate the industry into forking over more donations.

XBIZ Will Unsuccessfully Lay Siege to AVN’s Offices:

In a bold but ill-fated move, XBIZ Publisher Alec “Xerxes II” Helmy will marshal his XBIZ forces for a decisive invasion of AVN’s offices, only to find himself turned back by three stalwart individuals named Theo, Panos and Leonidas. The battle, which will last nearly the entire lunch hour, will later be immortalized in a porn parody directed by Michael Ninn.

Something Embarrassing Will Befall AHF’s Michael Weinstein:

Condom-pushing porn industry nemesis will do or say something so humiliating, so offbase and so completely socially unacceptable that there’s only one possible outcome as a result: Larry Flynt will offer him a role in a porn movie before Steven Hirsch gets the chance to do so.

ICM Registry Will Issue a Press Release That Is 100 Percent True:

Hah! I really had you going for a second there, didn’t I? (I told you some of the predictions on this list were not to be taken seriously.)

A Major Hollywood Studio Will Purchase Pink Visual’s Hardly Used Apocalypse Bunker:

Following a raucous and triumphant two-week underground party, Pink Visual’s executive team will emerge from its subterranean sanctuary to announce a blockbuster film and real estate deal involving its bunker, a major Hollywood studio, Michael Bay, Mel Gibson and Grauman’s Chinese Theatre.

Private Will Accidentally Sue Itself:

Running out of potential defendants among companies and individuals in the adult entertainment industry, serial litigator Jason Tucker will awake one morning to the realization that Fraserside IP has accidentally filed suit against Private Media Group, alleging copyright infringement and unfair competition.

As you can see, it’s going to be a wild year in the adult industry — and the above is just a small sampling of the events you can expect to transpire! Due to space limitations, I can’t even begin to address things like unanticipated marriages involving adult industry figures (who’d have thunk that Rebecca Bardoux would become Mrs. Mike Kulich?), Rob Black’s reinvention of himself as a vehemently anti-porn Christian teetotaler, or the triumphant the arrival of .SCAM, a new TLD that will compete with .XXX as the most expensive adult-specific TLD available on the market.

In all seriousness, Happy New Year to one and all! Here’s hoping that 2013 brings you much profit and little drama.

Q Boyer is director of apocalypse evasion for Pink Visual/TopBucks.