opinion

What makes boobs real?

Gram Ponante
The last time I was on KSEXRadio, which is an Internet radio station housed, for the time being, in a nondescript section of Burbank (which is a real achievement, because Burbank has won the Nondescript California title three years in a row, and to be in an even less-descript part of a nondescript town takes some doing, or doesn't), I had occasion to look over at some of the comments being directed my way by chat room participants, and they weren't flattering.

Granted, I was on a couch between Angie Stone and Cytherea, and they were both naked, while I was sitting there with my microphone in my hand. If I had paid KSEX' monthly fee and logged in to find me sitting between two squirtrices I suppose I would have a problem, too. I just wouldn't have typed in nasty things about my glasses. Instead, I would have accentuated the positive and asked Cytherea to squirt on the camera or something.

So it was with the feeling that I, sensitive and otherworldly, would get made fun of in this most looks-oriented of businesses that I went to see my pals Wankus and Pride of Saugus Tyler Faith, along with 2006 Penthouse Pet of the Year Jamie Lynn.

Tyler was under the weather. She'd had a headache all day and spent much of the time bundled up with her accessory dog, Italy. I was so happy that she'd not called in sick that I didn't say:

"You call that a dog?"

Tyler has two manufactured breasts that are as distinctive and well-loved as the Boston Gas tank off the Southeast Expressway. They are named Mutt and Jeff and she celebrates their birthday each year. People from Portland, Maine to its counterpart in Oregon have 8 x 10s of them in their lockers at the factory.

Jamie Lynn, born in Porn Valley's spiritual center of Northridge, has natural Ds.

I mentioned that the peer pressure to get fake boobs must have been overwhelming in Northridge.

"But why mess with these?" she asked.

I thought of how many bad boobjobs I have seen that could have been prevented with a question like that.

But I also admit that my thinking about fake boobs has changed in the past five years. I think because I'd had a relationship with someone who had some sloppy work done that I dismissed everyone with fakers. Now the fake boobs are part of the overall package (you know, like hair and nails, which are so very important to me).

So when Tyler Faith and Jamie Lynn sat together I didn't think "One of them has fake boobs and one of them has real boobs." Instead, I thought, "A person who wasn't in a loving and supportive relationship like myself would want to have sex all over those tits."

And then I remembered, with great satisfaction, "and so would my wife."

Penthouse isn't what it once was, Jamie Lynn onfirmed. With its bankruptcy, loss of market share, and its dubious connection to iBill, among other woes, the magazine is recovering from a lack of focus.

"They took out the dicks entirely, removed the pink, and now are trying to concentrate on hitting the 18-35 age group rather than putting in political articles like they used to," she said.

She added that now there is again active competition to be a Penthouse Pet, where for a while that honor wasn't something a model would necessarily seek out. Lynn showed me her Penthouse key, which was heavier and shinier than its predecessors.

Despite Penthouse and Playboy toning down their magazines and aiming at the FHM demographic, both companies have recently sought out porn stars. Playboy has embraced Jesse Jane and Kirsten Price, and Jamie Lynn herself appeared in Hustler and Elegant Angel videos before becoming a Pet.

It's always a pleasure hanging around with Tyler Faith, who talked about which Boston Bruins she's dated and who will be in that "My Bare Lady" reality special in which porn stars are given theatrical coaching for a play in London's West End. I hope they do MacBeth, because Tyler would be excellent in that:

I have given suck, and know How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me, Buddy: I would, while it was smiling in my face, Have plucked my wicked fuckin' hot nipple from his boneless gums And dashed the brains out, had I so sworn as you Have done this, ya Douche.
Towards the end of the evening, Chef Jeff, Kinzie Kenner's main squeeze and Elegant Angel's webmaster, came by. So it was Tyler, me, Jamie Lynn, and Jeff on the couch. It seemed like it was successful masturbation's version of a 7-10 split.

I had a great time. We sang the UnFAITHful Secrets theme song, and the chat room was so impressed with Faith and Lynn that it forgot too chastise me for not having breasts.

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