opinion

Report: No schism between Autism, jism

Gram Ponante
Remember Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who has designed one third of the slaughterhouses in the United States using the theory that cows killed humanely taste insanely?*

Well, some of those cows have been put to work naming DirectDVDPlatinum's adult films.

"We named this one Big Black Dicks Stretching White Ass Number Two" because that is what happens in the movie," said one cow, Bossy, who was 400 lbs. before and immediately after a bolt got shot through her neck. "Also, it is the second one. The first one was called Big Black Dicks Stretching White Ass Number One."

"These white, naked women appear to enjoy it when black men stick their penises (also black) into their anuses," typed Merry, an Angus. The press release, covered in hoof marks and smelling like sweet summer grass, appeared verbatim in seeveral industry-leading adult trade publications.

Clinically descriptive porn titles were recommended at last month's International Porn Standards Symposium held for the second year in Reykjavik. The IPSS was dedicated to the memory of Ron Bast, who in 1979 named the video Naked Hairy Women with Large Breasts Flopping Around And Getting Vaginally Penetrated by Men Ashamed of their Jewishness.

Big Black Dicks Stretching White Ass 2 stars Jessica Darlin'.

*actually, she developed a "squeeze chute" that keeps cattle from becoming too frightened as they are lead to their deaths. Dr. Grandin developed this method because of the type of physical contact she herself could tolerate and enjoy.

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