opinion

Ask Your Pornographer First

Allison Vivas

Ironically, as the adult industry works quietly in a responsible manner (checking hundreds of 2257 documents a day, ensuring performer testing still goes on, and labeling our sites properly to ensure no one accidentally runs into explicit content), the mainstream continues to demonstrate how irresponsible they can be. 

This ironic situation inspired Pink Visual’s Quentin Boyer to write this satirical commentary which made me laugh, so I wanted to share.

Publc Figures: Leave Porn to the Pornographers, Please!

Whether you’re a Congressman who hasn’t quite mastered the not-so-nuanced art of tweeting, a football player overly impressed with his pecker, or merely a has-been celebrity looking for a quick return to the spotlight, Pink Visual has a message for you: stop horning in on our territory, dammit!

Look, us pornographers have a hard enough time selling our wanton wares these days, with piracy of adult content being rampant, putative members of our own industry happily giving away full-length videos and every college student with a smartphone snapping shots of his/her privates to share freely with potential customers of ours; the last thing we need is for the “cultural elite” to be out there on the web competing with us, too.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m sure there were lots of people who were simply dying to see Weiner’s wiener, and itching to get glimpse of Brett’s boner, and I know that public servants, entertainers and professional athletes are all about ‘giving the people what they want,’ but there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about satisfying the public’s desire for the exposure of famous flesh.

Here’s a hint: if you are accidentally giving it away, you’re doing it wrong.

We get it guys; you are proud of your packages and want to share them with the world (or with a few women who aren’t your wife, at least), but for the love of God, show the modicum of dignity and common sense that Montana Fishburne displayed, and sign a contract with a porn studio before you go about exposing yourself to the world.

(Side note: is “Montana Fishburne” the single worst porn name in history, or what? If that’s not a euphemism for Chlamydia, I don’t know what is. But I digress….)

Haven’t the Favres and Weiners of the world learned anything from porn tube sites? If your business model involves giving away porn, the right way to go about it is to give away other people’s porn, while still attempting to sell your own dirty flicks. (Duh!)

Plus, everybody knows if you want to make any sort of real splash in porn these days, it has to be done in the context of a parody of some major mainstream movie or TV show. Sending out self-shot penis pics might be good enough for the bush league porn that comes out of Washington D.C., but if you want to become a real player in the porn biz, you have to think ‘porn parody.’ In Weiner’s case, he wouldn’t have had to wait long for a good opportunity to present itself, either; “The Green Lantern” comes out today — just think of how sweet it would be for Tony to have made his porn debut in a parody of a big budget superhero movie!



Green Weiner

So, for all you actors, musicians, athletes, political hacks and other misfits of renown who just can’t resist the urge to give self-made porn a shot… well, if possible, please find a way to resist that urge. If you really can’t help yourself, though, and you have a deep, abiding need to share your naughty bits with the world, for Pete’s sake throw us pornographers a bone (so to speak) and work with us, rather than against us!

Seriously guys, it’s not like Steve Hirsch is a hard man to get in touch with if you’re already famous (for that matter, merely mention your interest in porn during an interview and he’ll find you, trust us on that), and here at Pink Visual we’re always down for trying new things. Heck, we actually specialize in using technology (properly) to allow people to enjoy porn to the fullest extent possible, so Pink Visual would be a natural place to turn for help with your digital dickstribution needs!

What’s the bottom line for all you famous, phallus-flaunting fellows? If you really can’t keep it in your pants, don’t try to DIY your XXX: be responsible about it, and ask your pornographer if smutting it up online is right for you, before you begin any pornographic regimen.

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