You'll always have a shoulder to squirt on

Gram Ponante
It was as if there were angels on Harry's shoulders, and squirted there.

I don't want to be the type of pornbloggeur who documents every detail of every KSEXRadio show. I especially don't want to be the type of person who puts porn manager Harry Weiss' picture front and center on XBiz' award-winning and beloved website, but the fact is I drove out to the KSEX studios just this side of the Andromeda galaxy to see Cytherea, Angela Stone, director Thomas Zupko and, yes, Weiss last night on the Goddess of Gush show and had an outstanding time.

I appeared on screen for about ten minutes. Then some Internet wag wrote in, "his glasses must start brushfires" and then, remembering my rightful place NOT sparking jerkoff fantasies among Internet dopes who have to pay for their pornography, I respectfully moved to an off-camera couch.

Stone confessed her love of armpits, feet, and Iowa, then Cytherea talked about her first-ever anal scene with Tyler Durden. "He's not very big," she said, "so he specializes in girls who are getting anal for the first time." I think that is called a back-ended compliment.

Then Tom Zupko came on. I met him once before when he had left Extreme Associates and was doing the Fredo-returning-to-Tahoe walk through AVN, but I'd never realized what a fucking superstar that guy is. He proceeded to deliver the most passionate defense of Larry Flynt I have ever heard, also mentioning his personal pledge to 1.) never badmouth anyone, 2.) love everyone, and 3.) not bounce checks - an admirable and oft-unattained goal in any industry.

His ensemble was that of a bartender at a really down-on-its-luck reservation casino. I need to get me a get-up of my own for my media appearances, otherwise I will continue being fodder for those people who, like nervous little accessory dogs who bite your toe and then pee all over the floor, hang around in chat rooms all day doing no one any good.

Zupko, known for scenes in which people are being blown and crucified at the same time (and that's not even his movies) then persuaded the listening audience to exhort Cytherea and Stone to squirt Harry Weiss right in the eye.

"Just blast him right in the goddamn face," Zupko kept saying. "This is so much better than working 9-5 for a boss with an eighth grade education."

Stone looked more and more apprehensive, though Cytherea ten minutes before had praised her for being a better squirter than she was. Harry began protesting, but meekly. In fact, his protests barely registered. No jury in America would convict Angela Stone and Cytherea for what they did.

Weiss came out of the encounter looking like a banana republic dictator with squirtpaulets on his shoulders. Cytherea, bless her heart, lamented that she couldn't squirt more for/on him.

It was a tremedous night for KSEX and America. At the close of the show, the gang had decided Cytherea's first anal movie would be called The Goddess of Gape because, as Stone observed, "you gape rather nicely, Cytherea."

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