Wasteland Cums On Your iPad?

Colin Rowntree
Oh, what has the world come to when I have to come up with a headline like that to jump out for a click?

Well, it is what it is.

Just a quick blog post to note something of interest on how we as adult program operators need to keep up the vertical platforms for the gadget of the week. In the past 6 months, Wasteland has deployed for IPTV on the Roku box, iPhone/iPod, then the Androids. Then, after a rather pleasant 19th century-feel trip back into time for developing classic BDSM eBooks for Kindle and Nook, now we have launched a site specifically for iPad.

What is remarkable about this, is that as soon as consumers purchase one of these gadgets, they go out and buy porn for them. Shades of 1998. The difference now is that every new hardware platform gets its own video optimized for it, and a whole set of affiliate tools to promote it. Not a huge job, but interesting to see how the workflow ebbs and flows with these new innovations.

So, in all of that, there is always a Press Release to write. How does one keep making news? Here is today's attempt to attract eyeballs:

BOSTON—"Waste not, want not" are the words that Wasteland/Spicecash CEO Colin Rowntree lives by, and he’s about to put them into action once again. Apple’s newest product will land in the eagerly-awaiting hands of 300,000+ consumers on April 1. But that auspicious date also will mark the day when the iPad becomes the newest platform on which Wasteland.com will begin to distribute its award winning content—no fooling!

Having already developed unique platforms for their exclusive BDSM content on iPhones, iPods, Androids, Kindle E-books, and IPTV through the Roku box, it was only natural that Wasteland would want to instantly customize a platform for iPad users.

"We always make sure not to leave any money on the table,” said Rowntree. “Our business principles—which have allowed us to survive in this industry since its birth—dictate that we cater to each individual user and their preferred method of viewing our content. It’s as simple as that. There is a whole captive credit card-wielding audience out there already primed to enjoy what we have to offer on their shiny new iPads. As with all our vertical platform development, we will be there at the beginning with arms open to welcome these surfers on their new device."

For Spicecash.com affiliates, April 1 will also be the day when affiliates will be able to promote bdsmPad.com—Wasteland’s iPad-optimized site—by simply logging in to their existing accounts or signup as new affiliates and instantly being able to grab links and ad tools.

"The really great hidden bonus,” said Rowntree, “is that due to whatever feud there is between Adobe and Apple, iPods, iPhones and now the iPad cannot view flash, which basically means we don't have to compete with the tubes who distribute all of their content via flash."

Surfers who exclusively consume adult content on iThings will either need to pay for porn or stick to the traditional methods of attaining free porn, including through TGP's, MGP's and link lists, which tend to have the same free galleries week after week.

"This is why all our mobile products convert like its 1999, and why we are expecting the same outcome from the iPad,” Rowntree said, adding, “I highly recommend to anyone with any BDSM traffic to jump on the bandwagon and start raking in cash from this untapped market."

Affiliates can start promoting Wasteland's bdsmPad.com (http://www.bdsmpad.com) through Spicecash.com (http://www.spicecash.com) today.


I am tempted to start each press release with the phrase "it was a dark and stormy night" at this point, thinking someone might catch the ironic literary "Sturm und Drang" in that. But, the machine keeps on going every dark and stormy night long, but saying "Wasteland Cums On Your iPad" to get a read. Sigh.... Emily Bronte would roll over in her grave.

And, here is the amusing part: In order to do development for the iPad, I dropped the money for one. Here is what Steve Jobs and company sent me today for shipping tracking. Note carefully the point of origin:


03/31/2010 1:36 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN ANCHORAGE, AK, US 03/30/2010 6:50 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN 03/30/2010 1:01 P.M. ARRIVAL SCAN GUANGZHOU, CN 03/30/2010 7:10 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN SHENZHEN, CN 03/29/2010 2:43 A.M. ORIGIN SCAN CN 04/01/2010 4:01 P.M. BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED

Tracking results provided by UPS: 03/31/2010 11:24 P.M. ET

Okay, so my bright shiny new iPad came from SHENZHEN China?

I had visions of my precious new iPad coming from a really big, organic, natural fiber yurt outside of Cupurtino, gently cared for and hand-polished by natural breasted girls with unshaved pubic regions in tie-died sarongs, with nice young men with beards, in hemp tunics, playing "gently Johnny" on acoustic guitars as background music, sending me my iPad. But NO - UPS tells me that it came from a rat-infested Walmart sweat shop 500 miles outside of Beijing, assembled by three-fingered toothless old Chinese women at gunpoint by Halburton outsourced productivity managers. Sigh.....

So much for my boycott of Walmart!

Happy touching of screens all. I gotta get up early to test out my new platform before the Apple'istas read this on RSS and brick my new device!

Better living though chemistry,