opinion

MILFs, GILFs, and FILFs

Gram Ponante
Just as the porn industry can be credited with technological innovation and the growth of the Internet, as well as with making me the man I am, it has also been responsible for substantial changes in our language. Who hasn't been asked for directions to the nearest ATM and responded, "Could be on my kitchen table if you played your cards right"?

There's the FIP, the popshot, the bukkake; there's feature dancing, peeling, teabagging; there's fluffer, gonzo, meeth, suitcase pimp, "non-exclusive contract", not to mention "director"; there's the concept of HD, the concept of stunt cocks, the concept of awards shows, and the difference between shaving, which is what some affiliate programs are accused of, and shaved, which is what your pubic area must be unless you want to work in niche films.

But today I'm here to talk about MILFs. Too often are women who have not actually given birth being described as MILFs, and it needs to stop. And for GILFs, the subject must actually be a grandmother. For FILFs, the talent must provide documentation that she is, in fact, a ferret.

This industry will lose all the credibility and prestige it has struggled so long to gain if just one woman described as a MILF turns out to be merely 27 who lactates due to a gland issue.

I asked Cram and Grip Johnson how they determined the MILFhood of the cast of MILF Meat, due November 7.

"All whores are thoroughly checked for stretch marks, blown-out pussies, saggy tits, and just a general sense of sadness," Grip, the thoughtful brother, said. "Most other people who shoot Milf Movies just use old hags like Kat Kleevage and say she's a mom."

As America's Only Porn Journalist, I demand authenticity of anything I'm asked to shoot a ropy volley across. So I had to make sure Jesse Jane was really a pirate (she has a wooden leg), demanded Taya Cruz perform something from "The Mikado" to prove she was Asian (she followed up with a dramatic reading of every episode of "Grandizer"), and don't get me started about how I determine if someone is a pimp or not.

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