opinion

How I Saved Digital Playground

Gram Ponante
When I received a DVD copy of the Pirates trailer several weeks ago, along with a cash donation to my favorite charity (Spay the Whales), I was hesitant about giving it any coverage. "Surely, word of mouth will give this project the exposure it needs," I thought, reflecting on a 30-year career in adult entertainment that began with my participation in the infamous "Petting Zoo" of the 1975 World's Fair in Vienna.

"Surely publicity will only cheapen it."

Digital Playground publicist Anal Load Lee arrived at my home, sobbing, three nights ago. "Test audiences are confusing the trailer with (Michael Ninn's) Catherine and (Nic Andrews') Dark Angels 2," she cried, burying her check in my wallet. "The market is saturated with high budget couples' films."

"Take it easy, baby," I said absently. "Daddy will think of something."

"It has over 300 special effects shots," she offered.

"And yet, though male characters have more lines in the trailer," I noted, "none of them gets any billing. You say you are the filmmaker's company, but you would get nowhere with my drum circle."

"Jesse Jane was almost devoured by a shark during filming," she said.

"You would have partially recouped your investment," I said, "as there are parts the shark couldn't have digested."

"We have skeletons!" she wept.

There it was. Pirates has skeletons in it. I looked at the trailer again. The entire stable of Bad Ass Models and Max Hardcore Productions were cavorting in nothing but their bones. I took Anal Load Lee's face in my hands.

"Today's audiences don't like to see actual skeletons," I said. "Go back to your editing suites and create digital skeletons. I am confident Cousin Nick P. is good for something other than portraying ethnic stereotypes. You will take a hit on the budget, but I'm sure Adam & Eve is good for the difference."

"Thank you, Gram," she said. She went through my house and gently woke up Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, Sophia Santi, Rocki Roads, Tera Patrick, Janine, Devon, Jana Cova and, for some reason, Malou, who had all fallen asleep on my plush couches after their pillow fight.

Pirates will be released this month.

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