Jeremy Spencer: First off, Vincent, I want to thank you for doing this with me. It’s nice to be working with you again.

Vincent Lambert: Jeremy, it’s my pleasure. However, I am taking time from working on my own website, VincentLambert.com. But I am a great fan of Men of Odyssey’s work and am really glad that they’re back making movies, so it’s worth it! Did you catch the swag they sent with “Beach House Diaries?” There's a shovel and pail, beach towel, beach ball, bottled water and saltwater taffy. All the goodies needed to make critics beach-ready!

JS: …Did you just plug your website?

VL: Yes. (beat) What, shameless self-promotion is frowned upon these days? I wish someone told me.

JS: All right, you got your plug — can we talk about the movie now?

VL: Of course! I love that Jim Steel and Men of Odyssey are back with “Beach House Diaries.” I’ve missed their work.

JS: And I’m sure they missed you, honey. What did you like about the movie?

VL: First off, Steel has put together a gorgeous cast and shot them at an equally gorgeous beach house, complete with pool, Jacuzzi and oceanfront view. While I was watching, all I kept thinking about was the house. Whose is it? How much did it cost? How did they get it? Where is it?

JS: You know the market’s not that great right now to be looking at beachfront property, Vince. I had no idea you were looking.

VL: You didn’t think the house was awesome?

JS: Well, yes, but I was kind of distracted by all the sex happening in it.

VL: The sex doesn’t come with the house?

JS: …Wow. You’re lucky you’re pretty.

VL: I know, right?

JS: Okay, let’s get back on track here — what’s the movie about?

VL: It’s pretty simple. Fun couple Brad Benton and Cole Ryan welcome a group of attractive friends to their beach house and all kinds of horniness breaks out amongst them. The first scene has them boinking in a bathroom.

JS: I love Cole Ryan. There’s just something about those puppy dog eyes that sucks you in and just doesn’t let go.

VL: He doesn’t let go of Brad’s dick, I’ll tell you that!

JS: I just want to buy him presents.

VL: I thought Brad Benton had retired from porn and was now legit?

JS: A girl’s gotta eat.

VL: Well, it’s nice to see him back, at any rate.

JS: It’s a nice, noisy flip-flop scene. Quite enjoyable. I was jealous.

VL: Of who?

JS: Either, I don’t care. You think I’m picky?

VL: Well, it’s a great start to the movie. The second scene features Tory Mason, Brant Moore and beefy bodybuilder Romario in a nice threesome. Tory and Brant slobber all over Romario’s dick and then both Romario and Tory fuck Brant.

JS: Lucky Brant! There should be a law in Porn Land, though, that states that Tory Mason isn’t allowed to do a movie where he doesn’t bottom. He’s got this cute little butt — it kind of taunted me.

VL: …His butt taunted you?

JS: You saw the movie, right? You didn’t think it was hypnotic? Like it was trying to get me to do its bidding.

VL: …Have you been drinking today?

JS: Not today.

VL: Okay. Good to know.

JS: I was just a little sad when Tory didn’t bottom, that’s all.

VL: The third scene, with Romario and cute Luca Alexander, was a quick one. The fucking was pretty brief —

JS: Luca’s cute. I’d mortgage my house for him…

VL: Yes, Luca is cute — wait, what? Your house? What just happened to you? We start talking about the movie and you suddenly go man-hungry? What’s up with that?

JS: Well, if I didn’t go man-hungry, I’d be straight. Right?

VL: Touché.

JS: The fourth scene has my future ex-boyfriend Jesse Santana and Barrett Long. This scene is, in my opinion, the hottest scene in the movie. I was never a really big fan of Barrett’s before — I mean, I knew he had a big dick and everything but in this industry, you sometimes need more than just a dick. I must say that I was pleasantly surprised, so I will have to check out more of his films.

VL: When did he get so nice and hairy? He never had fur before.

JS: He’s all growed-up, Vince. He’s a man now.

VL: Well, whatever he is, I may need to get a piece of that. I hear that his new Barrett Long dildo is going to be huge!

JS: Pun intended?

VL: I hope so!

JS: Can we talk about my boyfriend Jesse now?

VL: Sure. Go ahead — I have to make a call about a dildo….

JS: Anyway, Jesse pretty much grabs a hold of Barrett’s big ol’ piece and never lets go. Who wouldn’t want those sweet little eyes looking up at you through a mouthful of dick? And it’s certainly a mouthful — as Vince has attested. There’s one moment when Jesse is swallowing Barrett’s sword that I actually thought that big dick would spear clear through Jesse’s head!

VL (on phone): Yes, I’d like to order the Barrett Long dildo….

JS: Barrett, of course, fucks the living daylights out of Jesse and produces this Cumshot-from-Hell — I mean, it was like someone took a water hose and attached it to Barrett’s boner. By the end of it, Jesse’s face looked like it'd been glazed by Krispy Kreme!

VL: Mm, I love Krispy Kremes.

JS: I actually interviewed Jesse the other day. He likes older guys.

VL: Oh, then you have a great chance with him — you’re really old.

JS: Why did I ask you to do this with me again?

VL: The last scene of the movie takes place by the fireplace and features Christian Owen and John Wright. The lighting in this scene is dark and moody, and the sex fits the atmosphere. Christian also looks a lot more grown-up — no more twink roles for him!

JS: Remember when Christian was a strict top? Notice how easily he slides down on John’s pecker? Does that mean that most tops are really secret bottoms?

VL: Not the tops that I know.

JS: Oh! And I loved the music underneath! I was boogieing along.

VL: Is that what you call it? Overall, director Steel has made a film that appeals to the eye and the dick. I loved the letterbox format, too. So artsy!

JS: Yes, it does lend it that touch of class that is so often lacking in gay porn.

VL: The editing by D-3 is also pretty artistic, with lots of interesting crosscuts and fades.

JS: I was pretty happy with the outcome — I agree with you, I think that Men of Odyssey has jumped back onto the porn scene with a vengeance. They filled the movie with hot guys and followed through with some good sex scenes. And they cast my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend Jesse Santana.

VL: There you go again, Mr. Desperate.

JS: Mr. Desperate, huh? … And when will Mr. Long’s dong arrive for you?

VL: … It’ll be here next week.

JS: Mm-hmm, I rest my case….