Spunk’d: The Movie
GRAM PONANTE: The most important thing to remember about "Spunk'd" is that it was made outside of porn's studio system.
Porn, which often tries to position itself as indie cinema, is often more constricted than its Hollywood counterpart. So low are the margins in porn that most companies can't afford a movie that doesn't fit the formula, so movies like “Spunk'd,” with its large cast and elongated shooting schedule, often don't get made.
JOANNE CACHAPERO: Very astute, Professor Ponante. If sex were kung-fu, try writing something creative around five or six fight sequences that have to last 20 minutes each, leaving you half an hour for character development and to throw down some sort of storyline. Oh, and shoot it all in two days, okay?
Not to mention, most porn companies are interested in a product that will sell, not in making an art movie or a comedy, so they’re apt to stick to what is perceived as a moneymaker; the standard formula or a copy of someone else’s successful movie.
This is the same mentality in mainstream Hollywood that brought you bloated extravaganzas like “Mission Impossible III,” only in adult, it’s “Mondo Bukkake Cum Festival 54.”
GP: Well, because it was a Cum Festival, it got NEA funding.
JC: And who writes the fucking formula? Adult audiences have been trained to expect a certain sequence of events. Granted, one man’s gonzo is another man’s Shakespeare, but more often than not what you end up with is either a dreadfully boring, formula-driven stroke flick where, if you’re lucky, you might get a really hot scene or two.
There’s something to be said for recognizing the farce in a porno context. The great thing about “Spunk’d” is director Justin Kane sees what a goof it can be, and just keeps piling it on by throwing in everything else that’s goofy about the media-obsessed, reality-driven mainstream world that we live in.
I don’t know how it is for you, Gram, but when a guy asks me to take one in the face in real life, it is kind of amusing. I try to act all serious like it’s a real turn-on, but deep inside, I’m laughing my ass off.
GP: You were laughing inside? At Thanksgiving? In front of my parents?
JC: Anyway, there are more loads being dropped in “Spunk’d” than there are cellphone pix of Brittney Spears’ kootch on TMZ.com.
GP: Exactly, Jo-Jo. What makes this a special movie is that it has finally made the sacred connection between reality TV and porn. The problem with reality TV is it never admits it's porn with better production values and no penetration.
A parody of the basic cable Ashton Kutcher prank vehicle "Punk'd," "Spunk'd" merely takes the conceit a little further by adding sex to it.
So where "The Simple Life" will introduce Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to a hillbilly family, "Spunk'd" brings Hairless Hilton and Cornhole Richie to a hillbilly family that, naturally, fucks them.
JC: There ain’t nothin’ natural about it, Gram. I thought I would fall off the couch, this scene was so funny.
GP: Luckily the couch was on your lawn already.
JC: When big brother Trent (played by Trent Soluri) is getting a hummer from his loving sister Phoebe Sue (played by Kelli Brooks) and tells Hairless and Cornhole, “My sister could suck start a leaf blower,” it just gets better from there.
Pretty soon it’s in-bred hootenanny fun for the whole family. Mom and Dad (played by Ginger Lea and Steven St. Croix) have their hillybilly on the whole time. When Hairless finally takes it in the rear from Daddy, Mom looks over and smiles, “I know we’ve never been able to afford it, but now you can say you’ve been in a Hilton.”
My other favorite scene in the movie is when “Lindsay Blohan” has to go through a security check with boy-pal “Wilmer Balled-Yer-Mama” (played by Marcos Leon).
Blohan is played by very pretty Penny Flame — who actually looks like Lindsay “It’s not my coke, officer” Lohan. And let’s face it, deep down inside, all of America believes that those tabloid celebutante princesses like La Lohan are all bound to end up in homemade sex tapes once their mainstream careers take a crap anyway. It’s only a 30-minute ride from Beverly Hills to Chatsworth, you know, and at this point Lohan just might do anything for a couple of bumps, if you know what I mean.
GP: No, Joanne. No, I don’t. I left working at adult trade magazines so I wouldn’t have to know what you mean.
And Nick Manning, in a scenery-chewing performance as Gashton Kootcher, busts through the door with a camera crew to spunk on the girls’ faces. Good times had by all.
JC: Yup. Manning is a perfect ham as Kootcher, but toward the end, in this weird “Witches of Eastwick” reverse gangbang when Manning is tied up and ravished by three demon-ettes (Mikayla, Eva Angelina and Vanessa Lane), you kind of wish the girls would smother him more.
GP: Porn is so intent on being taken seriously — witness movies like "Corruption" and "Sacred Sin" — that it forgets a lot of its appeal is in escapism and ridiculousness. As you know Joanne, it is difficult addressing weighty issues like the abuse of power and infant mortality (themes tackled in "Corruption" and "Sacred Sin," respectively) when loads are being deposited on 19-year-old faces.
JC: Wow, you’re in a serious mood, Gram, after watching such a delightful romp. Honestly, it’s kind of a turn-on when you get all intellectual like this, professor.
Anyway, I agree. The one thing adult can do that Hollywood can’t is show penetration. But it’s almost impossible to capitalize on it because a lot of people still feel uncomfortable viewing actual sex, even if it’s in a “real” movie. It’s a little too much “reality” even if the audience knows it’s all choreographed and staged.
So, what do a lot of people do when they’re faced with something that makes them feel squeamish? They crack a joke.
It’s the same logic behind the least-attractive guy that gets laid all the time because he has a great sense of humor. In fact, comedy is always best when it’s based on something totally socially unacceptable and over-the-top.
GP: Justin Kane made this movie with an excellent cast and his own and his buddy's money. He used to work at Nectar but opted to make this film himself, a decision that has paid off in an excellent movie that takes reality TV to its logical conclusions.
JC: God love him — it must have cost a fortune, but a very fine freshman debut!
GP: In addition to above-average production quality — a split-screen Hillary Scott plays the Holeson twins — when have you ever seen a split screen in porn? Kane gets some hilarious performances out of not only usual suspects like Penny Flame, Steven St. Croix, and Nick Manning, but also people like Katie Morgan, Marcos Leon, and Ginger Lea.
JC: Don’t forget Evan Stone. A special shout-out to Morgan, who also was in a Jim Holliday movie we reviewed, and performed with the same fun-loving gusto in both movies. And you’ve got your classic stars, too — the ubiquitous Ron Jeremy, Herschel Savage and Dick Nasty.
It sure looked like the cast was having a lot of fun.
GP: "Spunk'd" also fluidly mixes dialogue with sex. Sex scenes are not discrete in this movie — there is talking throughout — and that is an adjustment that is easy to make.
JC: Maybe because I’m a girl…
GP: …but not yet a woman.
JC: I found myself wanting to rush through the sex scenes a little bit to see what the next wild set-up would be. But don’t get me wrong — the sex was pretty hot and definitely strokable.
GP: A movie like "Spunk'd" makes me think studios should throw fifty or sixty grand, once a year, at an outside filmmaker and just leave him or her alone. In this case, the results are fantastic. I would, of course, represent Big Porn's interests on the set to ensure that over-artsy auteur don't think it's OK to cut to the guy's face during the pop shot.
JC: Unless he’s the one getting spunked! But now we’re talking about a whole different kind of movie.