Home > Features > Doc Johnson: I'm Lovin' It! • Bookmark   • Newsletters   • Register Search Options

FEATURE

Doc Johnson: I'm Lovin' It!

Doc Johnson: I'm Lovin' It!

May 18, 2005
Text size: 
Get XBIZ News
XBIZ Research
Will virtual reality boost the paysite market?
Yes, it will soon
  39.66%
Yes, but in a few years
  36.87%
No
  23.46%
Out of 179 votes. Results based on votes submitted by members of XBIZ.net social network.
Here is Doc Johnson's new product, the Suction Mistress Dual Breast Exerciser. My college girlfriend was also known as the Suction Mistress, so this brings back fond memories wrapped in a terrifying package.

This artist's conception of a device designed to simulate the feeling of human hands on breasts leaves me confused and frightened.

Other than some of the people wedged between the bar and the small retaining wall at Porn Star Karaoke, have you ever seen someone with suction cups for hands? And what is that thing in the middle? A uvula? A stamen?

The press release suggests that this device be applied to your quivering ladyfriend while you do other things. Like what? Arrange for surgical reconstruction of my horribly burned and misshapen hands?

As you well know, when servicing a lady I prefer to grab both breasts in one hand, because I can. That leaves four fingers, a thumb, and my signet ring from a Mexican jail to do the rest.

I believe that this apparatus looks like an evolutionary ancestor of McDonalds' Fry Guys, and that the middle dongle is actually used to suck out one's brain.

Whatever the true story is (I only print rumors, hazy facts, and meds-destabilized hallucinations), Doc Johnson has been releasing one product a week for the past 600 years, each replacing a central human function.

Chaim Enidjiut writes: That thing in the middle is a squeezie bulb. It moderates the suction in the cups. By the way, I live elsewhere and am not you. The presence of the squeezie bulb makes one wonder who is supposed to squeeze it. However you look at it, one person's hand will have to be occupied in operating the device.


EDUCATIONAL FEATURES

Cam Model Megan Kroft Dreams Big at Studio 20

Hey guys! Oh, I hate when I say that, all we cam girls say that, it’s beginning to sound so cliché. Hey! Hello! People from the industry, cam girls, cam boys, hello! I’m Megan Kroft.... More »

Rich Girls Offers Pro Cam Modeling Tips

The live camming industry offers endless opportunities to earn signficant sums of money and afford a luxurious lifestyle, but only with tireless efforts and non-stop perseverance. To be an elite cam model... More »

CBT Takes Testicular Play to the Next Level

CBT is an acronym often associated with cognitive behavioral therapy or computer-based training, but in the BDSM world CBT stands for none other than “cock and ball torture.” Those four little... More »
XBIZ NEWSLETTERS
Stay informed of the latest industry developments. Get XBIZ newsletters delivered to your inbox. Subscribe today!
Enter email address:

* To manage existing subscriptions click here.






POPULAR PRODUCTS & SERVICES
Submit your press release to
multiple news outlets with 1 click.
Subscribe to RSS news feeds or
add free content to your website.
Access XBIZ news and articles
with your mobile device.
Subscribe to XBIZ World magazine, the industry's leading e-commerce trade publication, delivering in-depth coverage of the online, mobile and ancillary digital markets.

UPCOMING EVENTS

Latin America Adult Business Expo

Jul 10 - Jul 12
Cartagena, Colombia

ANME Founders Show

Jul 16 - Jul 18
Los Angeles Marriott Burbank Airport

QWEBEC Expo

Aug 03 - Aug 06
Montreal, Quebec

XBIZ Berlin 2017

Sep 11 - Sep 14
Berlin, Germany
Everyday thousands of business professionals browse XBIZ's industry directory for quality products and services. Not listed yet? Your company could be losing potential new business. Submit your company today!
Use XBIZ RSS feeds to stay informed of the latest industry developments or as a content syndication tool for your website!