The Butt Wax has exploded, or: shoving trans fats up your ass
But sometimes they are horrifying.
The first thing I noticed when I opened the Topco box was that it was heavier than normal. Inside were two weapons-grade grrltoyz vibrators that I immediately dispatched to likely lady reviewers (read the review here) as well as a large tub of something.
That something was Bottoms UpTM Butt Wax Anal Balm, and it had leaked all over the box, sullying the vibrators.
"What's all over this box?" my vibrator test subject asked.
"I couldn't stop thinking about you," I said. That line even gets me out of paying my electric bill. You should try it.
Why Bottoms UpTM is trademarked and not Butt Wax was a mystery to me, as was the fact that the company had decided to go ahead and put anal balm in the title, too.
The tub contained 46 ounces of white goop (there were supposed to be 47, but one leaked out) and the directions were as follows:
Scoop it up and apply to desired area for lubrication and to ease discomfort.In this case, "desired area" means the ass. And this is, of course, fine, but where is the romance when you have to scoop something up and slap it like mortar on your intended's desired area? Maybe if you're a Mason...
But where this product just became wrong was when I searched for its ingredients, which consist entirely of partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Using this anal balm would be like shoving a super-sized package of McDonald's french fries up your or your partner's ass, minus the potatoes.
As any resident of the Castro will tell you, the nation's gay men have been using Crisco, which is mostly partially hydrogenated cottonseed oil, for generations. But the rule of thumb (or whatever) should always be: If you wouldn't put it in your mouth as food, don't put it in your ass.
Finally, if you are to use a product like this, remember that it is not safe for latex condoms; you'll have to go bareback with it, just like a real porn star!