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Adult industry to {sic} itself on bad grammar

Adult industry to {sic} itself on bad grammar

April 13, 2007
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Bill Mullet, publicist for Iphigenia Squirtz, calls it "A FULLON ASSAUTL."

Vapid Pictures marketing manager Voom is preparing for "an exxxxtra dose of significant shit."

These PR gurus are preparing to cash in on the biggest trend in adult entertainment since Blu-Ray: individual and corporate sponsorship of poor spelling, bad grammar, and cliches.

"Publicists have been setting the stage, if you will, for this, if you will, campaign, if you," said Mae Scirocco, president of Chatsworth's Porn Publicist's Guild (PPPG), on its website, "will, for years, and now they are ready to capitolize on it."

It is a simple formula: for every instance of an extraneous X in a porn title, headline, or performer's name, an amount up to four cents (US) is deposited in an account. The account will be maintained by industry watchdog Gram Ponante. Similar charges apply to misuse of the word "your" or the employment of "enthused" in place of "said".

In a business model designed to jump-start Porn's flagging economy after five years of decreasing DVD sales, individuals and companies can also sponsor each case of poor English, hyperbole, or an outright lie.

"Let's say Publicist A writes of Performer B, 'Performer B has a good credit rating and no drug problem, and is starring as Parris Hiltop in AutoFellater Productions' Production of 300 (Cumshots), which will be distributed by Hustler,'" said Loup Perch-Tounge from the Nordhoff Alliance, an adult industry trade group, "well, there's at least 10 sponsorship opportunities in there."

Perch-Tounge believes the industry's historically-recognized shortcomings can now be monetized.

"Performer B doesn't have a good credit rating, so let's say Vivid can pay for that one, Performer B eats meth for breakfast, so Digital Playground can take a crack at that, 'Parris Hiltop' is a stupid name - maybe AVN or XBiz can get a revshare on that. AutoFellater isn't even a legal company and never had a distribution deal with Hustler, so maybe Hustler can sponsor its name being taken in vain! Everybody wins," he enthused.

Through a Web 2.5 system of "intelli-tagging", Perch-Tounge continued, as soon as the misspelling or other sponsorship opportunity hits the web, it will immediately be hyperlinked to the sponsoring entity's website, which will then be charged similar to Google's Ad Words model.

The PPPG's Scirocco sees the need for regulation.

"Of course we'll have to impose controls on unscrupulous publicists deliberately misspelling things or lying just to increase traffic for various companies they might be, if you will, 'in bed with'," she said, "but test cases have proven that when many of them try to spell something wrong, they actually spell it correctly."

Scirocco didn't see the need for people who could write well in the new economy. "Their dinosaurs," she said via e-mail. Perch-Tounge concurs, but also envisions room for exponential expansion.

"Why limit sponsorship to grammar, unnecessary letters, or cliches?" he asked. "We could open it up to fake MILFs, fake teens, calling someone an 'industry veteran' or 'director' when they aren't, misuse of the term 'viral marketing', whatever. The whopportunities are endlessless."

The change can't come fast enough for Mullet, who has resorted to writing press releases about himself.

"Look," he said, "I'll be the first one to say I'm an idiot."

Mullet was about to continue, but decided he didn't need to elaborate.

Previously: Summer Haze wrestles for the dead, lost causes; Images of Heaven (that take me to Hell); Eye Candy; Enough rope; Continuing education credits; The most insightful and provocative press release ever written; Porn and spelling; Return of the Tounge; Mind your boxcovers


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