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<i>Pirates</i>: "For the love of God let me die."

Pirates: "For the love of God let me die."

January 2, 2007
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Digital Playground's Pirates has received its 40th award, most recently from the euthanasia-phobic country/continent combo of Australia, thus cruelly extending the life of the movie through a proven but inhumane cocktail of awards and press releases. "Thank you for this award, Australasia," a weeping Pirates breathed into a microphone while mournful digeridoos played in the background and kangaroos were shot in the dusty street. "Now would you please kill me?" The answer was a resounding No, as both the continent of Atlantis and the lost cities of the Incas seemed intent on resurfacing to honor the movie, filmed 300 years ago on tape washed in martyrs' blood. "Pirates has been a milestone to the adult video industry worldwide," shrieked immortal Pirates star Jesse Jane. "As this movie has become more popular and visible internationally, our industry has gained acceptance and as a result, it is more accepted as a legitimate source of entertainment." "LEGITIMATE SOURCE OF ENTERTAINMENT," affirmed Teagan Presley. "BRAINS," added some zombies. The Australian Adult Industry Awards granted its inaugural International Hall of Fame prize to Pirates director Joone, who carefully kept a lit cigarette away from Pirates' oxygen machine during the ceremony. Not broadcast was the following exchange: Joone: ... to the adult community, thank you. What? Pirates: ...the gun. In my mouth. And shoot me. Joone: Oh no no no. You won't die until Blu Ray does.

Pirates is scheduled to receive 14 more awards in December, including the American Paraffin Society's Ugalgie Medal for best use of a candle. In January, Pirates will host the AVN awards down the street from the theatre that will stage the Las Vegas cabaret version of the movie, starring Cathy Rigby.

Previously: New Pirates cover released; How I saved Digital Playground; You yell "Shark"; Pirates to receive G rating

See also: Digital Playground, Compassion and Choices


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