I could have seen this development coming a mile away when it became apparent that over 820,000 U.S. federal government workers were being sent home to ride out the shutdown without pay. Aside from puttering around the house and studying Walmart circulars for weekend sales, what is the most obvious thing that these folks have available to do?
Surf For Porn!
I had our webmaster run the traffic stats on what may be happening this week on Erotic Scribes and on sssh.com and, lo and behold, there is a 900% increase in porn surfer traffic coming in from Northern Virginia, Maryland, Washington D.C. and pretty much everywhere that there is a large population of "non-essential government employees" that are now sitting around at home looking for some entertainment. The last time anyone counted, about 41% of all federal employees are women. and one can only assume that a much larger percentage of them work in "non-essential" administrative and support positions (i.e. not riding around in tanks blowing things up).
Let's, just for fun, set a hypothetical number of, say, 65% of the 820,000 folks sitting around the house are women (yes, that is probably WILDY inaccurate, but as only 15% of the "essential armed forces" jobs are women, it's not a bad guess). That would give us 533,000 pissed off women with lots of computer skills looking for something to cheer them up a bit. And, judging by the traffic stats, they a "cuming in droves" (bad pun intended).
Although this surge in naughty surfing comes as no surprise at all, what is also apparent is rather than just surfing the tubes for free porn, they are buying things. Lots and lots of naughty things! Sex Toys! Lingerie! Porn Movies! Pornsite Memberships, Erotic eBooks. The list goes on and on. Now, we have heard that Congress has not guaranteed retro-active pay after the shutdown is over, but based on similar past icky-old-white-men caused debacles in congress, it's pretty certain that there will be a nice little lump sum coming in before the October credit card bill arrives. "Hope Springs Eternal" and I hope all of these enthusiastic sex toy and porn shoppers don't get a bad surprise just before the holiday family buying season.
Also of no surprise is that the porn industry has already jumped on the bandwagon to help keep this ball in the air. Discounts for laid off federal employees! One of our favorite sex toy, DVD and lingerie mail order companies, Gamelink, has already launched its "Government Shutdown Sale". In a lighthearted Press Release dated October 1st, Gamelink announced:
Top online adult retailer GameLink.com has decided that until the government of the United States goes back to work, all customers of the United States deserve 25% off all purchases made at GameLink.com. All customers type in SHUTDOWN in the code box when finishing purchases and will receive 25% off the entire order. “Do you want to know who is by the people, for the people?” asks GameLink.com’s Jeff Dillon. “GameLink.com is. We will not idly sit by as the two parties argue. We want all parties to come join us in the freedom of expression, and sexuality.”
There are specific customers that will not be allowed to take part in this promotion. “We and most Americans do not get paid when our jobs are shut down. We are making this promotion exempt to all members of Congress. We know who you are, and you are paying full price!”
And it doesn't end there on the nimble promos and quick wit of adult industry companies. Even the infamous "Bunny Ranch" (that venerable brothel in Nevada) is offering something "for the boys" (and maybe some girls as well). In his equally tongue in cheek and humorous press release about their Government Shutdown Special, adult industry pioneer Dennis Hof quipped:
CARSON CITY, Nev.—Always looking for ways to lend a helping hand, the Moonlite Bunny Ranch brothel has announced that it will offer free tours to tourists turned away from national parks and monuments due to the current U.S. government shutdown, as well as a 50 percent discount on all “parties” for furloughed federal workers. “We want to do our part to help reduce the suffering and pain being caused to innocent people because of the shutdown,” Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof said. “Tourists who can’t get into federal sightseeing spots can come to any of our brothels for a free tour, no charge.And for the federal workers who can’t go to work, come on down to the Bunny Ranch and party with our girls for half-off. It’s the least we can do!”
Hof says he is taking no sides in the Democrat-Republican dispute that has paralyzed the U.S. government, but simply wanted to offer a “relief valve” for those most immediately affected by the political warfare.
“In the end the Bunny Ranch is about the ‘little guy,’ the regular folks out there that want to be able to go somewhere and relax, have fun with pretty girls, and be able to be a king for a day,” Hof said. “People come here for a break from reality, and if there was ever a time that called for a break from reality, this is it!”
Where will it all end? I'm 100% sure that some clever pornographer is going to announce a "special" only for laid off government workers and require a valid dot-gov email address to prove federal employment. At which point, within moments, Blackhawk helicopters will descend on their roof after being tipped off by the NSA that they were data mining government email addresses. Just remember: the Navy Seal crews on the helicopters are almost all male and "essential employees" (I saw that on Zero Dark Thirty) and although the bulk of the NSA analysts (also essential employees not laid off) are women (I learned that on the HBO documentary "Manhunt"), a lot of them are probably pretty pissed off that their sisters over in the Parks Service are sitting on their tushes at home watching porn and buying sex toys while they have to go grind out the data. Punishment will be swift and sure!
Seriously though. I'm TOTALLY NOT trying to make light of this serious Shutdown issue. Hundreds of thousands of Federal employees are now hanging on for dear life waiting for their paychecks to resume so they can lead their lives. Thousands of small businesses that provide goods and services (other than porn) to those employees are now feeling the pinch. At the bottom end of the food chain are the impoverished, children at risk, folks in need of flu shots, and the rest of the population that the Tea Baggers have no regard for. They, and many others will begin suffering within days.
If you want to do just a little bit to urge the douchbag House of Representatives to straighten up and fly right, get over their outrage that we have a BLACK president, and maybe, just maybe, urge the speaker of the house to end this nonsense, go tweet John Boehner here to demand and end to this madness. If that doesn't get his attention, maybe a good old fashioned Pegging will (strap-on dildos available at Gamelink NOW!)
In conclusion, as the old adage goes, "When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping*." *Batteries not included
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This article originally appeared on Coleen Singer's op-ed and commentary series at Erotic Scribes.
For more keyword rich commentary on sex and politics, visit my new op-ed and commentary site at eroticscribes.com
See you there!
Colin