Q. But none of those things is gay.
Anyway, Entice.tv has same-sex partnered with San Francisco's Oh Man! Studios to roll out the first gay hardcore high-definition movie, Behind the Secret Door, which answers the question:
Q. What can be more secret than a secret door?
A. Whatever is behind the secret door (I'm assuming it's overstock secret stuff that couldn't fit in the secret room).
Behind the Secret Door, the first gay production shot, edited, mastered and distributed in HD on Entice.TV, revolves around the debauched goings-on in a house of carnal pleasure. Directed by Oh Man! Studio President Bruno Riccelli, the title features Ben Campezi, Brady Martin, Branden Star, Danny Lopez, Dillon Press, John Marcus, Mark Galfione, Matthew, Nick Capra, Brad Benton and Ty Hudson.
True story: the other day I was going to an appointment in West Hollywood, a traditionally gay area of Los Angeles County. As I walked past the Tomkat Theatre, one of the only gay moviehouses in Southern California, a man approached me.
"Do you want to see a movie?" he asked me. The sun was in my eyes and I didn't notice I was near the Tomkat, but I knew enough to be wary of anything Other than myself.
"No thank you," I said.
"I just like having someone to talk to sometimes," he said as I walked past. It was then that I noticed where I was.
"He thought I was gay," I thought, which resulted in my remembering another true story:
When I was younger I visited pre-Katrina New Orleans for the first time. I sat by the banks of the mighty Mississip. A man walked up to me.
"Would you like a blowjob?" he asked.
"No," I replied, and added: "I'm not gay."
"You don't have to be gay to want a blowjob," he said, and that quote is way up there on my personal Truer Words Were Never Spoken list.
Regardless, I chose to not accept the Universal BJ that evening.
"A mouth is a mouth," my wife later said.
"Allrighty," I said.
Among my many personal prejudices is that gay men tend to look much better than straight men, so if a gay man thinks you're gay, it's a compliment. Either that or the gay man hates himself and wants to debase himself on you.
So imagine, Horrified Gay Readers, how exquisite HD Gayness will look.