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<span style="font-style: italic;">Breakin' in the New Chick 2</span>

Breakin' in the New Chick 2

February 5, 2006
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Director: Mr. Pete Cast: Sophie Dee, Mya Luanna, Alicia Angel, Kaiya Lynn, Nikki Nievez, Havana Ginger

I feel the same way about porn movies as I do about mainstream releases like The Cider House Rules: if the formula works, there's no need to mess with it. People who really want to enjoy a movie will willingly suppress their expensive formula-spotting mechanisms unless the formulae go wrong.

Breakin' in the New Chick 2 starts exactly the way thousands of porn films do, and I don't care. Alicia Angel is facing the camera, addressing the camera operator (Mr. Pete), who is kvelling appropriately. His hand comes out of the frame, she sucks on it, etc.

The problem is, she doesn't have a microphone on. We can hear Mr. Pete just fine, but we can't hear her. Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe she would have said something racially or politically insensitive to me and I would have been offended and left the room in a huff. But I know how much a wireless mic and/or a boom guy cost, and I'm sure if there was money in the budget for a big porn rental house, then we might have heard Alicia Angel's bon mots.

The combination of Mr. Pete's near-whispered stage instructions while the talent goes through the paces with other men (like Ben English) tends to be both creepy and focus-pulling. Alicia doesn't know whether to look at Ben, who slaps her ass and appraises her other marketable parts, or pay attention to Mr. Pete, who continues saying things like "you're so fucking hot" from behind the camera. She's in a tough position.

After Angel is "broken in", we find Kaiya Lynn servicing herself on a couch. The couch is upholstered with a low-pile velour material.

Nice couch.

It eventually becomes unbearable to listen to Mr. Pete whispering to the girls. It's not that he's cruel or tells them dumb jokes, it's just that his enthusiasm is communicated in a way that makes me cringe. Yet I want to be thereB in case somebody says something that will suddenly provide an answer to why I'm doing this sort of thing for a living, so I keep the sound up.

Mr. Pete always picks visually-arresting, dirtier-than-the-norm girls, and Kaiya delivers a yelly scene in which she isn't as distracted by the stage directions as she might be if she were a copier repair person. She's a pro.

As is Mya Luanna, whose lurid, Indonesian cathouse-inflected scene comes next. Luanna is delightfully fleshy.

Boxcover girl Sophie Dee comes next. I think a team of porn engineers could not have crafted as perfect a pornish game hen as Sophie. She has the eyes of a fashion model with the accessibility of a Jack the Ripper-era streetwalker (she's Welsh). She has teeth like Belladonna (that's a good thing) and looks like she could replace the water cooler bottle after fucking you. She is too pretty for this movie.

When Mr. Pete asks, "Would you like to suck this cock?" she replies, "I'll give it a go" which translates as "I'm being paid for this, aren't I?"

The final scene teams Mr. Pete with Havana Ginger and Nikki Nievez. Again, he sure knows how to pick 'em.

Aliens poking through the remnants of our civilization in four years and finding only Breakin' in the New Chick 2 would come to the conclusion that most Earth women had tongue studs and all Earth men were difficult to hear in addition to being breathily obsequious. This movie would have been better if we didn't hear Mr. Pete at all.

VCA's and Hustler's DVDs also follow a formula that makes it easy to skip around between scenes and get access to specific performers. This makes the annoying bits of this movie easier to get over.


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