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"Now Lick It."

"Now Lick It."

September 13, 2005
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The experience of sitting in a dark theatre and watching a porn movie beside a man twenty years my senior (as I did last night, watching Pirates with Tod-Hunter) took me back, Miniver Cheevy-like, to a wondered-at time in which I might have been picked up in 1970s Times Square and taken to Deep Throat with the promise of a free meal.

Not that Tod behaved in an ungentlemanly fashion.

I'll have a full review on Friday, but Pirates succeeds when it doesn't take itself seriously, which is often. Evan Stone and Steven St. Croix are hilarious, with St. Croix taking some serious risks in one particular scene. Tommy Gunn and Janine, alas, don't seem to be having as much fun in their "straight" roles as pirates, but at least Janine gets to put 20 percent of a lit candelabra into Jesse Jane's most wonderful places.

"Watching myself up there was pretty surreal," Janine said. "I was dreading it until it started."

In a movie full of fun quotes (Evan Stone ad-libs "This is not a happy cave," at one point), Janine's command to Tommy Gunn, "Now Lick it," is the standout.

Oh my God, but those candles.

"I don't really do anything anal," Jesse said, "but we got those candles in there and people were like, 'is that in her ass?'"

Jesse also revealed that she was Carmen Luvana's stunt double when Carmen's character got pushed off the boat. Not that Carmen was a wimp. For their scene together, Jesse and Carmen confabbed earlier.

"We always wanted to work together, but we couldn't because we were in different companies. But when Pirates came through, I said, 'I don't want a pussy girl/girl scene like everybody else does.' and she was like, 'Bitch, I don't want one either,' and then we just started slapping each other around.

"And Janine and I almost broke the set. There was a lot more shot than was in the movie, and we pretty much got all sweaty and had to hold each other up."

Pirates drops anchor in some awkward dialogue sequences and, unfortunately, the effects. The score, provided by SkinMusik, is several steps above your average porn soundtrack, however.

Jesse and Carmen are hitting the road, to be joined by Janine in several cities, starting this week. They won't stop until around Thanksgiving, after which Jesse will begin filming Island Fever 4 with myself as the bookish boat captain.


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