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Love Letters to <i>Black Size Queens</i>

I believe A.R. Gurney has become a porn publicist. The press release for the new West Coast Productions joint, Black Size Queens, features a head-scratching conversation between one of the male talent and his size queen counterpart that I'm sure isn't replicated as dialogue in the film. Male Talent: Is that fear in your eyes or simply the look of anticipation? Your big, thick, juicy lips wrap themselves around over a yard of my thick pulsating man meat and swallow down each and every inch. Did I meet your requirements both in stature and spectacle? Female Talent: The look you see in my eyes is that of one who is obsessed with your massive manhood. My honey pot drips in apprehension, part my lips and enter slowly so I can relish every moment. I am left quivering in ecstasy, spent and used. While a yard, last I checked, is three feet, these remain very powerful words. I have added a little dialogue for connoisseurs of high quality erotic literature. Male Talent: I am going to slap you on the head with this thing, you vulvalicious tartlet, if you don't stop making those faces. They pain me. They remind me of something, someone, long ago, whom I also had to hit over the head with the six-foot railroad tie that dwelleth yonder my pants way. Please stop making those faces. I may cry. Female Talent: The look on my face is one of regret, frankly. Regret that we are involved in a needles war. A psychic war. Like Blue Oyster Cult sang about. Stop hitting me with that 10-foot schlong, would you? It reminds me of the pole that delivers my poor phone service. I hope we get paid in cash because Del Taco charges every time you use your debit card.

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