opinion

One is the Gooiest Number

Gram Ponante
When one is a porn actress in Germany, one can expect to be subjected to all manner of depravities involving goo. This should not surprise one. The latest release from John Thompson's German Goo Girls series is titled "Can One Swallow Sperm?" An informal poll conducted by our reporter of 47 porn starlets lounging around the gumball machines at Chatsworth's Lamplighter revealed the answer to be an overwhelming "Um, yeah." Even if the title were rearranged to form a statement ("One Can Swallow Sperm"), the obviousness is still problematic. Clearly, this is not Phat Buttz Drain My Nutz, which is simply true. I think the title should be changed to "Should One Swallow Sperm?" which would indicate an ethical dilemma in addition to a financial one--there is no money shot if the money gets swallowed. Despite the problems with the title, I laud German Goo Girls' decision to return to a classier time in porn's history, when Golden Age-era consumers would be treated to titles like Present Your Vulva that I May Jump On't, One Mustn't Wear Panties When Gram's Around, and Would that You Came in My Eye.

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